I haven't posted in a while-been uploading my 365 pictures to just Facebook, going to post them all here too, once I get time.
I am just so.. tired.. of this world.
I'm not suicidal or anything, just don't see any aim or big push like I used to.
Before, it was love, and loving someone else gave me the strength and the reason to do almost anything.
Now, though-and this is the first time in over a year that I've had to sit down and think about myself & life & things in general-I don't have a driving push.
My family loves me, but that doesn't give me.. motivation.. to work hard and keep trying.
No matter what I do or how hard I try, it's not enough for my dad. I can never be as good a son, as good a brother to my siblings, as good a Muslim, as patient or as smart as he expects me to be.
I'm not.. complaining. I'm just writing down everything that's been pouring into my head these past few weeks.
It's like falling from the top of a waterfall after struggling to stay afloat through the rapids. I'm overwhelmed.
Yes, I can do better, and I try.
I pray more. I try to explain things to my brothers.
They've been spoilt too much to listen to my parents or to me. Even just a while ago, my youngest brother stormed out of the room when my dad was scolding him.
I don't take misbehavior from anyone, especially not from my younger brothers, and definitely not when it's unprovoked and unwarranted.
I don't ask for stuff. Before, I used to ask for spicy food, those delicious cookies, but now.. no.
I've actually cut down on eating by half the total amount I ate every day, and yet..
I would stop eating if it didn't result in migraines that will kill me.
I don't have a best friend anymore. I was-still am-not grateful enough to appreciate what I have, and then end up destroying what I do have.
I haven't had a long conversation with anyone in a really, really, really long time.
I talk to Allah, as much as I can..
hey... i'm here, if you need to talk or anything.
ReplyDeleteand yeap. Allah is the ONLY helper.
Kiddo. It's a phase of the search for self discovery. Odd duniya me insan ka maqsad, the fundamental one, is to earn his hereafter. And I know what you mean by never being good enough. Guess what? If you try so hard to be what others want outta you, you'll fail them and most importantly you'll fail your own actuality. Sab ko khush kerne Ki bja ye sirf aik Zafar hai jis ko khush kerna hai at the end of the day; wo Allah Ki Zaat hai. Islam kuch actions ka naam nahi. Ye to surrender ka nam hai. A complete way of life. Khud ko uss zat k hawalay kero. Utterly and completely. Usko dost banao.
ReplyDeleteThere's no such thing as a best friend. Sirf aik safety net ya vent ya phir partying ka nam hai dosti. Aik fareb hai. Or kuch nahi. Ye pyar vyar kuch nahi Hota. Pyar to us se Hota hai jis Ki hamain adat hojaye. Habit is a synonym for love. Habit so strong that we begin to feel it as part of us. Or adat badalna mushkil to hai namumkin nahi. Apni zat ko kisi cheez pe dependent Na rakho. Sirf Allah hi haq or sach hai is duniya me. All else is part of the theatre.
Aik zat not Zafar :p
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