I had a dream last night.
You weren't in it.
It was a different face.
A new face, a face I didn't recognize.
I'm being patient.
God lets everything happen for the best.
But the new face?
It represents hope, and a new world of possibilities.
It's nice, to be able to smile, while hoping for the best.
It's amazing, to be able to sing along with my old favorite songs, and not see your face everywhere.
But, there is no true despair, without hope.
Even so, I'm not afraid. Life brings its challenges, and the only way to beat them is to meet them head-on.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.-Lao Tzu.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
The flag, of the crescent, and the star.
My homesickness gets worse with every day.
It's not about the food anymore, or the atmosphere.
It's like.. feeling empty.
Feeling far away.
It's not about any people anymore, either.
It's like a dream, a far off dream, a day that I'm waiting for, but the day isn't coming anytime soon.
I've been listening to the national anthem on repeat for the last few hours, and it doesn't make it any better.
I can close my eyes, and imagine being back home, imagine every step that I take, and almost be able to.. feel the experience.
It's time to go back to being super busy and not having time to miss home.
It's the only thing that works.
It's not about the food anymore, or the atmosphere.
It's like.. feeling empty.
Feeling far away.
It's not about any people anymore, either.
It's like a dream, a far off dream, a day that I'm waiting for, but the day isn't coming anytime soon.
I've been listening to the national anthem on repeat for the last few hours, and it doesn't make it any better.
I can close my eyes, and imagine being back home, imagine every step that I take, and almost be able to.. feel the experience.
It's time to go back to being super busy and not having time to miss home.
It's the only thing that works.
A little longer.
He can almost see it, he knows he's almost there.
He reaches out, but there's nothing.
He opens his eyes.
There was never anything there, except an illusion.
He reaches out, but there's nothing.
He opens his eyes.
There was never anything there, except an illusion.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Home is behind, the world ahead.
He looks out of the window; he can see the city lights, brightest in the dark just before dawn.
He smiles and takes pictures of the view with his camera, even as the passengers next to him chuckle.
He ignores them; he's the one who hasn't seen his home in years, and his excitement has been building with every passing second.
He keeps taking pictures, even after the airplane touches down and lands. He stays calm and doesn't jump out of his seat, even though almost every one else does. He has waited years for this, and he's patient enough to wait a little bit more, even though his heart won't stop racing.
He looks exhausted, but really happy at the same time; it's the look of someone who is at peace.
He walks through immigration and security; calmly collects his bags and loads them onto the trolley, and finally faces the front doors. He can feel the warm morning breeze, even with the air-conditioning. Every step brings him closer to what he's been waiting for.
He walks through the automatic sliding doors, and through the waiting crowd outside. He's used to it, but it still feels different every single time. There's no one waiting to meet him, but he had planned it this way. He was home earlier than everyone thought he would be. He takes a deep breath; this is what he's been waiting for.
He looks up at the bright sky, and frowns as the world starts turning black. It hits him in a sudden panic, and he wakes up. He's 8300 miles away from home, and it was just a dream.
Happy Birthday, Pakistan. I really miss you.
He smiles and takes pictures of the view with his camera, even as the passengers next to him chuckle.
He ignores them; he's the one who hasn't seen his home in years, and his excitement has been building with every passing second.
He keeps taking pictures, even after the airplane touches down and lands. He stays calm and doesn't jump out of his seat, even though almost every one else does. He has waited years for this, and he's patient enough to wait a little bit more, even though his heart won't stop racing.
He looks exhausted, but really happy at the same time; it's the look of someone who is at peace.
He walks through immigration and security; calmly collects his bags and loads them onto the trolley, and finally faces the front doors. He can feel the warm morning breeze, even with the air-conditioning. Every step brings him closer to what he's been waiting for.
He walks through the automatic sliding doors, and through the waiting crowd outside. He's used to it, but it still feels different every single time. There's no one waiting to meet him, but he had planned it this way. He was home earlier than everyone thought he would be. He takes a deep breath; this is what he's been waiting for.
He looks up at the bright sky, and frowns as the world starts turning black. It hits him in a sudden panic, and he wakes up. He's 8300 miles away from home, and it was just a dream.
Happy Birthday, Pakistan. I really miss you.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
And you, you will stay in my heart.
How is it, that I remember every word you ever said to me?
How is it, that I remember every time you said my name?
How can I, still love you?
How can I, still miss you?
"And you are the one that lights the fire,
I am the one who takes you higher,
I love your voice when you say my name,
That's my name, that's my name, that's my name."
Why is it, that I remember the first time I met you?
Why is it, that I remember our first long conversation?
Why do I, still love you?
Why do I, still miss you?
"All the time, I thought about you,
I saw your eyes and they were so blue,
I could read there just one name,
My name, my name, my name."
How is it, that life feels empty without you?
How is it, that days go by, without a word from you?
Why is it, that I wish to hear your voice?
Why is it, that I miss you so?
"Because of you, I'm flying higher
You give me love, you set a fire,
You keep me warm, when you call my name,
That's my name, that's my name, that's my name."
How is it, that I remember every time you said my name?
How can I, still love you?
How can I, still miss you?
"And you are the one that lights the fire,
I am the one who takes you higher,
I love your voice when you say my name,
That's my name, that's my name, that's my name."
Why is it, that I remember the first time I met you?
Why is it, that I remember our first long conversation?
Why do I, still love you?
Why do I, still miss you?
"All the time, I thought about you,
I saw your eyes and they were so blue,
I could read there just one name,
My name, my name, my name."
How is it, that life feels empty without you?
How is it, that days go by, without a word from you?
Why is it, that I wish to hear your voice?
Why is it, that I miss you so?
"Because of you, I'm flying higher
You give me love, you set a fire,
You keep me warm, when you call my name,
That's my name, that's my name, that's my name."
Those summer memories.
"When I see you,
I run out of words to say,
I wouldn't leave you,
I run out of words to say,
I wouldn't leave you,
Cause you're that type of girl to make me stay."
The radio on his phone plays music while he sits in the shade.
Strong gusts of wind make the summer heat bearable.
The electricity is out; the usual few hours of rolling blackouts.
"I see the guys tryna' holla,
Girl, I don't wanna bother you,
Cause you're independent and you've got my attention,
Can I be your baby's father?
Girl I just wanna show you,
Girl I just wanna show you,
That I love what you're doing hun."
His phone keeps buzzing with new text messages, he's receiving texts just as fast as he can send them.
His dogs come and sit next to him; he smiles with the sad smile who's happy and sad at the same time.
"I see you in the club,
You're getting down good,
I wanna get with you, yeah,
I see you in the club,
I see you in the club,
You're showing thugs love,
I wanna get with you."
His eyes finally move away from the phone screen; he's had enough, and he puts the phone to a side and pets his dogs and talks to them.
It's relaxing talking to dogs, you know?
It's relaxing talking to dogs, you know?
"You're so beautiful,
So damn beautiful,
Said you're beautiful,
So damn beautiful."
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Oh, but the way she smiled.
She laughs and dances around the open balcony, singing along with the music.
"Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new."
The rain, lightning, and thunder don't scare her at all.
She keeps moving around, like a child at Christmas.
"I don't know who you are,
But I.. I'm with you,
I'm with you."
She finally stops in the center and looks up at the sky with her arms wide open.
The door to the balcony opens and she smiles at him, still dressed in his suit and everything.
The song changes next second, and he half smiles and half sighs; he knows what's coming, and he's not wrong, she runs to him, and pulls him into the pouring rain, even with his blazer still on.
"Mami, you remind me of something,
But I don't know what it is,
Cause you remind me of something,
Girl, you gotta show me."
"Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new."
The rain, lightning, and thunder don't scare her at all.
She keeps moving around, like a child at Christmas.
"I don't know who you are,
But I.. I'm with you,
I'm with you."
She finally stops in the center and looks up at the sky with her arms wide open.
The door to the balcony opens and she smiles at him, still dressed in his suit and everything.
The song changes next second, and he half smiles and half sighs; he knows what's coming, and he's not wrong, she runs to him, and pulls him into the pouring rain, even with his blazer still on.
"Mami, you remind me of something,
But I don't know what it is,
Cause you remind me of something,
Girl, you gotta show me."
Love knows no end.
He looks around as he enters the room.
She's asleep, but then she has had a very tiring day.
Near her, there's a bassinet, and he quietly walks over to it.
He reaches down and gently picks up the newborn baby, and smiles with pure joy when he sees how much like her mother she looks.
"I'm surprised you're here."
He turns towards her, sees her exhausted eyes watching him, sees her fully relaxed for the first time in months.
"I may not be her father, but we are her parents."
"..I don't get it."
"Don't get what?"
"How can you.. love.. so much, even when it's not returned? How do you.. keep on going.. like that?
"Because love is to put someone else's needs before your own. That's all I try to do."
"I think I might actually love you."
The smile on his face grows as he carefully puts the baby back.
"You know, she actually looks just like you."
He looks up, but she's already fallen asleep.
She's asleep, but then she has had a very tiring day.
Near her, there's a bassinet, and he quietly walks over to it.
He reaches down and gently picks up the newborn baby, and smiles with pure joy when he sees how much like her mother she looks.
"I'm surprised you're here."
He turns towards her, sees her exhausted eyes watching him, sees her fully relaxed for the first time in months.
"I may not be her father, but we are her parents."
"..I don't get it."
"Don't get what?"
"How can you.. love.. so much, even when it's not returned? How do you.. keep on going.. like that?
"Because love is to put someone else's needs before your own. That's all I try to do."
"I think I might actually love you."
The smile on his face grows as he carefully puts the baby back.
"You know, she actually looks just like you."
He looks up, but she's already fallen asleep.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
We can be heroes, just for one day.
She was dead on arrival at the hospital, there was nothing they could have done to save her.
He stared at his phone, not really believing it, not fully understanding, still in a state of shock. It's been two years since he last spoke to her, two years since he saw her, two years since she drove away after yelling at him. It wasn't supposed to be this way, she was supposed to live longer than this, she was supposed to outlive him.
He just sat and stared around him; the walls faded into a blur as the full weight of what he had just heard hit him. She was dead. The car that ran the red light and hit her had overturned; the driver dead on impact. It didn't make him feel any better.
The last time he had spoken to her, he had told her that he wasn't going to apply for a transfer from Afghanistan to the States. She had been furious, but he hadn't told her the full truth, he hadn't told her that he had cancer. There was so much more that he hadn't told her; he wanted her to be happy, not to mourn him, especially not when he had stage three cancer. It was miraculous that he had lived as long as he had, but without her, he had lost every reason to live.
He still couldn't believe it, still couldn't understand that he'd never hear her voice again, never hear her laugh, never be able to talk to her again-and she had been all that mattered, especially after his family died in the house fire seven years ago.
He didn't realize what he was doing until he took the safety off his pistol. He stared at it, then turned the safety back on. He made a promise, years ago, and he wasn't going to break it.
His remains were buried next to her, months later, after he was killed, giving his life up by diving onto a grenade to protect his team. His Medal of Honor was buried with him.
He stared at his phone, not really believing it, not fully understanding, still in a state of shock. It's been two years since he last spoke to her, two years since he saw her, two years since she drove away after yelling at him. It wasn't supposed to be this way, she was supposed to live longer than this, she was supposed to outlive him.
He just sat and stared around him; the walls faded into a blur as the full weight of what he had just heard hit him. She was dead. The car that ran the red light and hit her had overturned; the driver dead on impact. It didn't make him feel any better.
The last time he had spoken to her, he had told her that he wasn't going to apply for a transfer from Afghanistan to the States. She had been furious, but he hadn't told her the full truth, he hadn't told her that he had cancer. There was so much more that he hadn't told her; he wanted her to be happy, not to mourn him, especially not when he had stage three cancer. It was miraculous that he had lived as long as he had, but without her, he had lost every reason to live.
He still couldn't believe it, still couldn't understand that he'd never hear her voice again, never hear her laugh, never be able to talk to her again-and she had been all that mattered, especially after his family died in the house fire seven years ago.
He didn't realize what he was doing until he took the safety off his pistol. He stared at it, then turned the safety back on. He made a promise, years ago, and he wasn't going to break it.
His remains were buried next to her, months later, after he was killed, giving his life up by diving onto a grenade to protect his team. His Medal of Honor was buried with him.
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