Home is behind, the world ahead.

He looks out of the window; he can see the city lights, brightest in the dark just before dawn.
He smiles and takes pictures of the view with his camera, even as the passengers next to him chuckle.
He ignores them; he's the one who hasn't seen his home in years, and his excitement has been building with every passing second.

He keeps taking pictures, even after the airplane touches down and lands. He stays calm and doesn't jump out of his seat, even though almost every one else does. He has waited years for this, and he's patient enough to wait a little bit more, even though his heart won't stop racing.

He looks exhausted, but really happy at the same time; it's the look of someone who is at peace.
He walks through immigration and security; calmly collects his bags and loads them onto the trolley, and finally faces the front doors. He can feel the warm morning breeze, even with the air-conditioning. Every step brings him closer to what he's been waiting for.

He walks through the automatic sliding doors, and through the waiting crowd outside. He's used to it, but it still feels different every single time. There's no one waiting to meet him, but he had planned it this way. He was home earlier than everyone thought he would be. He takes a deep breath; this is what he's been waiting for.

He looks up at the bright sky, and frowns as the world starts turning black. It hits him in a sudden panic, and he wakes up. He's 8300 miles away from home, and it was just a dream.

Happy Birthday, Pakistan. I really miss you.

I-We can do this.

I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.

Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.

It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.

My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.

I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.

And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.

I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.

I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.

Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?

......

This ain't nothing
Nothing but a goodbye town
These streets are only bringing me down
Gotta find a way to finally get out
Out of this goodbye town

Karachi-365 Day Project, Day 100

I've been studying all day, and I can't focus. I know what I'm learning and how to solve the problems, but I keep staring off into the distance, and there's this.. feeling.. inside me.. that I don't want to be here.
If you do it right,
you'll love where you are.
Jason Mraz-93 Million Miles

I want to be in Karachi. I want to be with my parents, with my brothers, teaching at my old high school, driving to school, worrying about stuff like the heat and my headaches instead of being here and stressing over finances for next year, migraines, and why I feel so sad all the time.

I'm not wishing for anything here. I'm thankful for everything that I've been given. I just.. want to be in two places at once. I love learning here. I don't like the studying part, but the learning? It's so.. incredible.. how there's so much more to this world than what we see around us. There's stuff happening that we have no idea about. Flowers and bees, elements and valence shells, emergencies and 10-1's, I could keep on going and going.
I also love Karachi. I love the heat, the humidity, the traffic, the no-speed-limit, unlimited texting packages, opportunities for endless laughter..

Someone who laughs too much is lonely inside, someone who speaks less but speaks fast keeps secrets, someone who gets angry easily needs love..

I still laugh. At times. But not as much as I used to. Now, I usually laugh at comedy scenes in movies (I watch like one every month or so if I'm lucky), on skype with my family, or with friends-and I rarely get time to spend with friends.

But.. I'm not.. me.