I-We can do this.

I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.

Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.

It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.

My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.

I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.

And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.

I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.

I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.

Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?

Sad songs & depression again

So I drive and I think about my life
And wonder why that I slowly die inside
Every time I turn that truck around
Right at the Georgia line 
And I count the days
And the miles back home to you 
On that Highway 20 ride
Highway 20 ride-Zac Brown Band

I had a brilliant idea that I've been slowly working on.
It comes as a result of hurt, betrayal, sadness, anger, tiredness, and depression.
No, no good feelings that gave me such a brilliant idea.
It's not suicide, no, if that's what you were thinking.

I was thinking of building a house in New Jersey.

Why New Jersey? Because the weather there is awesome and it's not that far away from civilization.

And I'm going to live there alone as in with no other human being.

Why alone?

Because I'm sick of people.

There's very few people in my life right now whom I'm not sick of.

I'm considering keeping two German Shepherds with me.

After all, I can't

a)fall in love with the dogs (yes, that was meant to make you laugh)

b)become upset by something they say

c)play monopoly with them and have them cheat continuously

d)I'm tired of listing everything here

e)Maroon Five are awesome

Like an aeroplane
I took flight
Fell in love with you that first night 
Cause you danced with me 
And I could see that there was more to life 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you-ooh
Tyler Ward-Falling

I wish my life was this song.
'Cause songs, they never die.
I could write for years and years
and never have to cry.
I'd show you how I feel without saying a word.
I could wrap up both our hearts.
I know it sounds absurd.

The last song ever-A walk to remember

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Jesse Mccartney-Because you live

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
John Mayer-Half of my heart

it only hurts when
your eyes are open
lies get tossed
and truth is spoken
it only hurts
when that door gets open
dreams are lost
and hearts are broken
Default-It only hurts

Five sneezes in ten seconds

Two posts in one.


8th March, 2012.


It's raining outside. I wish.
She's talking to me happily. I wish.
I'm properly happy again. I wish.
I'm with Aral & Ayza. I wish.


All these nights are catching up to me
I just can't put insomnia to sleep
I close my eyes but all that I can see
Is someone who I'm never gonna be


All that I'm asking for
Is that you need nothing more
And nothing comes in between
Our love, and it's fragile, see
All that I'm asking for
You're all that I'm asking for


I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory.

I thought coming back was the right thing to do.

That I would heal by being back in Karachi, by being back at Bay View, by going back to my old house.

Instead, I'm just as broken as I was three years ago.

And that is not good.

It's taking more and more to not just end it. To keep going on.

Faith in God is all that helps.

And if I fall

And crash and burn

At least we both know

That I tried.

There's progress on one end, at least.

She's not everything anymore. Not when it kills me. She's still a major, major, major part of my life, and I love her just as much as I always have, but I am not going to be so dependent on her anymore. I can live. And I can do this.

This wasn't supposed to be such a sad post.

I'm sorry..






9th March, 2012.


I know you've been hurt by someone elseI can tell by the way you carry yourself.If you let me, here's what I'll doI'll take care of youI've loved and I've lost.
I'm more than just an optionRefuse to be forgottenI took a chance with my heartAnd I feel it taking over.
They say you have to love yourself before you can love another person.
And that you have to love yourself even when you love someone else.
And now that applies to me.
It's called accepting who you are. Knowing who you are.
It took a long calm drive on the way home after school today that I realized it.
I am who I am. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I get upset, depressed, and even angry, but that's part of who I am.
I think of other people before I think of myself, and I often hurt others unintentionally, but it's all part of me.
I realized it when I remembered how calm I can be when stuff happens. Like today, when I was practicing with the basketball team, like I do every Friday, and one of the students got hurt really badly and fell. I was the one who went through the crowd and picked him up and had him sit so I could see what needed to be done. And sent people running to get water, the first aid kit, and my mom, since she's done a first aid course too.
Like four years ago, when a student got hit in the face with a basketball and I was a Prefect. And a bunch of people crowded around asking if he was okay and I picked him up and took him to the nurse instead of gaping there.
Like five years ago, when there was a fire drill and no one knew what to do..except me. And all I do is use my head.


I'm not perfect. All I'm saying is that I accept who I am and love myself for it.

Broken Yet Holding On

I can see you walking out, I'm not tryna believe it 
There's no way that this can be for real, I'm dreaming 
I can see the water in your eyes, you don't have to do this 
There has got to be a better way, i know it 
Back up the day now 
What did i do to get us to this point 
Me losing you in this moment 
I feel it, deep in my chest i can't breathe 
I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you, to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on 

Afraid everything is over now 
The rain clouds is passing 
Still I'm tryna wonder how i lost you 
Are you really over me? You said so, don't believe it 
You were where i wanna be 
I love you 

Back up the day now 
What did i do to get us to this point 
Me losing you in this moment 
I feel it, deep in my chest i can't breathe 

I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on 
We said, we'll never give up 
In hard times, when we hit bottom 
We'll try to find the broken pieces of love (pieces of love) 
ooh oohh 

I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on

Losing it again.

I lost my faith in society, in people, in friends today. I still have faith, but now it's only and only in God, because He's the only One who is always here.
It took me three years to believe again, to believe that people were decent, that they wouldn't use you and leave you, that they wouldn't take advantage of you and your love, that they wouldn't take advantage of you and stuff you love to do.
This poem/song is the result of not just one person, but of many. So no one, absolutely no one, can blame themselves for how depressing it is.


It's not my fault,
that i get depressed,
but fine, blame me for it,
blame me, not my migraines
or the medicines i take for them,
just keep blaming me.


Break my heart,
just keep breaking it,
because after all,
even though i gave it to you,
you don't care about it,
so why shouldn't you break it again?


There's times.
when i can't wait to leave,
because i've realized,
you don't want me,
you just want to use me,
and i don't blame you.


There's times,
when i feel like i'm broken,
but you don't care,
you never did,
you lied to me,
You just don't care.


I'm not going to give up,
i can take this and worse,
i can stand and smile,
even if you're killing me
with every second,
you just don't see.


It's not the end,
the world ain't ending yet,
but this suffering of mine
will continue
for eternity
until you see.


Break  me,
Use me,
Kill me please?

Believe.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

I was going through my phone, looking at old texts, and my blog, looking at my old posts.

I found two that have had over a thousand views each, and I wanted to share them again.

Firstly, one of my favorite posts. This was about my dreams.
This is why I will always go on and never give up. I can take anything just to see my dreams come true.

The One Who Leaves Me Breathless is a real person, yes. And I really, really love her. 
You guys will probably think that I need to go to a mental hospital once you read this.. but I'm fine, really. This gives me a reason to live, you know? 
And if one of you dreams of your kids and sees them in your sleep, then you'll feel the same way that I do. 


They're Aral and Ayza.. Aral is one year old, and Ayza is three years old. And amazing and really intelligent children. I can't even begin to describe the love that I have for them, even though I've only seen them in my dreams. If I don't dream of them, then it's like my dreams were totally empty. Like my world is empty without her. They both have my eyes. And by 'her' I mean TOWLMB.


But yes, the dreams.. So in the first one, which was over a year ago, I'm driving a 350Z and she's in the passenger seat, holding a baby boy who looks just like her. 


In the second one, I'm sitting on the prayer mat/Jai namaz and saying Dua, and Aral-that's his name-is running towards me, and he's around one or two years old at that time. 


Then I'm laying down on my bed with a migraine and both the kids are asleep.. There's a small light in the corner so the room is almost totally dark.. And she's sitting next to me, trying to make the migraine go away by talking to me.. 


Aral wakes up, but doesn't make noise since Ayza is asleep.. Smart kid, he knows his sister is still asleep.. and we put him back to sleep together.. 


She's playing with Ayza-who looks exactly like her mom-and their toys, and I'm laughing & taking a video.. And Ayza looks up at me, and I can see the intelligence in Ayza's eyes.. Aral has his mom's iPhone and he keeps acting like he's going to dip it into a glass of water, but keeps taking it out and laughing.. 


She's exhausted, so she crawls into my lap and goes to sleep there.. and then Aral comes in, he's half-asleep, and he wants to sleep in my lap too, so I let him lean against me and go to sleep.. Ayza comes in then with her mom's Iphone and shows me her plans for my surprise birthday.. 


She wants to go on a vacation to Italy for three days and relax, so I help her pack.. and then the kids walk in and they won't let her go, so we give them an Ipad each as a surprise for letting her. 
When I told her about that dream, she said we'll go for a proper family vacation and not her alone.. Let's see what she says after eight years. :D

We were walking through some mountains with some friends and she knew the path through to the beach. And when we got to the beach, there was this house and the two of us ran to it while everyone else sat down for a picnic. And we walked in to find Aral watching cartoons and she picked him up and he said Ayza was sleeping upstairs.

We were shopping with Aral and Ayza and when we got in the car, they both wanted to sit in front.

We were at Arena and Aral was running around so I had to pick him up and bring him back to Ayza and her as they waited for us.

I've had many more dreams of them, but these are the most memorable ones..

This was the second one. After all, The One Who Leaves Me Breathless is one in seven billion.
You're one in a billion

I saw this written on one of my posts a few months ago, and it feels good to still feel the way.

If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Right. In my next post, I'm going to be featuring two poems that two brilliant bloggers have written. Their poetry is so awesome that I wish I had written it. Who those two bloggers are is a surprise.

Oh, and before I forget. I went to Rajoo's ice cream store in Bahadarabad today. I am not going to go back to America without going there one more time and going to Meerut as well. Those two places simply have some of the best (I'm without a word here) foods? that this city has.

Stay with me

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere.


Have you heard the cover of Rebecca Black's Friday? It's called 'Jumuah.' It's about Friday and going to the mosque and praying.. and it's really funny.


I'm listening to music while blogging, so that's why you see a ton of lyrics in my posts.


I'm a lucky man
To count on both hands
The ones I love
Some people just have one
Others they got none.


I've had an interesting week. Filled with invigilations-wait, I had to add that word to my computer's dictionary, it didn't have it-and yeah, we're having exams at school. I hate exams.


The sun goes down
The stars come up
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came.


I went to a new doctor this week. So now I'm taking a total of seven medicines daily and I'm migraine free. It feels amazing to be able to think clearly, even if the medicines make me hungry and depressed.
Those two things I can fight.


Cause we've waited all our lives
Now we're seeing here in our rise
These hands can build up
All that we dreamed up


I'm going to be awarding a few bloggers in my next post. It's taken me too long to decide who to award, since there are so many awesome blogs out there that I follow.


And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Let's start this again for real


It's my birthday in a week. I'm looking forward to finally getting my camera, yes. And I'm looking forward to having Dunkin Donuts on my birthday. My parents are only letting me eat Dunkin twice a month. So I guess I am looking forward to something.


Every time I reach for you, there's no one there to hold on to
Nothing left for me to miss, I'm letting go of this
Lost my mind thinking it through, the light inside has left me too
Now I know what empty is, I've had enough, I've had enough of this


The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, I love you. You are an amazing person and I am blessed to have you in my life. You are the strength that keeps me walking, You are the hope that keeps me trusting, You are the life to my soul, You are my purpose, You're everything.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and happy weekend!

Come back, come back, come back to me

11:11 11.11.11

You call these life updates, don't you?

Yes, I deleted my blog.

I'm not going to elaborate on what happened.

I was just really depressed and I ended up deleting my blog.
I still don't feel like eating, feel like puking instead.

Forgive me, please. I really am sorry.

If I stumble,

If I fall,

Forgive me,

I'm learning as I go along.

I know you all probably want to know exactly what happened. But it's the past. And I'm working on letting go of everything. And going with the flow. And being positive.

People say life is filled with ups and downs,
But where does the line start from?
People say life is unfair,
But who decides what fair is?


I love one person,
And give her all of me,
I give her every bit,
I hold nothing back.


I try to expect nothing in return,
So that when something negative happens, I can take it,
And when the amazing happens, then that is the best feeling,
But life doesn't work that way, even though I try.

But since humans are curious people, here's what happened:

Show encrypted text

Read at your own risk. The password is 'relax'

Apart from that, I had an interesting Eid. I didn't do much, but I got my life back on track, sort of.
I'm trusting in God much more now-after all, He is the One who helps, right?


And then I went back to school. And yesterday was just one..I don't know what to call it.
Twelve teachers were absent. A substitute teacher's nightmare. So since Superman can't divide into twelve, my supervisor gave classes to other teachers. Thank God. Else I would have been depressed and dead.


Apart from all that, I made this for my mom. She teaches Grade Three. And they're doing China. So since I love Origami, I used Kirigami to make this. With my own design. Kirigami, by the way, is the version of Origami where you get to cut the paper.

Words hurt more than sticks and stones.

The shadows lengthen as the sun falls,
The sky darkens as your thoughts cloud.


Look you, as you try to rebuild your life,
Focus on what you had, and you shall live in what was.
Focus on what you could have now, and you shall live in gloom.
Focus on what could be, and you shall live and not live.


Look deep within yourself,
What would they have wanted?
What would they have wanted, you, to do?
What would they have wanted, you, to focus on?


Forget them not, they were the best.
Forget them not, they lived as well as the could.
Forget them not, or you do the world a disfavor.
Forget them not, or you do unto them an insult.


Remember, but use that memory to help you.
Remember, but use what you know to guide you.
Remember, but use everything to improve and work harder.
Remember, but do not stop to day dream.


I went to see Karachi-A Musical. Amazing, I tell you!

I can finally, finally shift gears like it's Need For Speed. Now I can finally beat automatic cars when they honk behind me and annoy me. So yay :D

 This is what my Eid was like:

You guys remember Aral, right? My Aral's namesake?
If not, read the post before this one.
This is his work. :D

So yes. I lost track of what I was thinking and wanted to say when The One Who Leaves Me Breathless was in front of me. I was just totally speechless.

Thank you to Furree, Areesha, and Hadia for being there for me when I needed someone to be there for me..Even though I'm not taking any of their advice. :P


The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, I love you. So much. So, so, so much.


I'll be here, by your side
No more fears, no more crying
But if you walk away
I know I'll fade
Cause there is nobody else.