Back to the life I'm used to.

I'm totally busy these days.
Working almost full-time, taking classes full-time, being the family chauffeur, and working out.

A year ago, it was almost the same thing.. except that I was working two jobs, over full-time.

The best part about being busy is that I rarely get time to think about you.
I love you.
I don't know if you do, but it feels like you don't.

So I'm trusting Allah & His plan.
I'm not worried.
I just need someone to make my migraines go away.
They beat the hell out of me & it's not like a fist fight where I can outsmart someone.
I need you.

Where are you?

Back to being.. me. The Original Me.

I was going to write a post, and then almost decided not to.

I'm smiling again. The only change I've made is to pray more. I'm more thankful and have more.. I guess you could call it faith.. in everything. More faith that whatever will happen will for the best. More faith that I will get through everything. More faith that I don't need anyone except Allah. More faith that I can do this.

I was at a point where I thought I needed more friends, more people around me to help me.
That's not how life works.
Most people will be with you until they don't need you anymore.
I said that so many years ago, and it's true.

In Chemistry, half the class-actually half the class-borrows my stapler when they're turning their assignments. One girl said, 'you're like everyone's favorite person.'
'Only when they need me.'

I say most because there's some people who will still stick with you, not give up on you, and always be there for you. That's your family, and a few-few-awesome friends.

Not needing people doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to them. I still want to hang out with friends and have fun and everything. But I'm not going to text anyone first anymore. I feel like I'm annoying them-it makes me feel awkward and unwanted. And that feeling is what has brought me down these last two years. I've had enough of it. I'm not going to text my crush, my three best friends, or anyone else first. If you want me in your life, if you really value me, if you want to talk to me, then text me or message me or something. I want to talk to you. I don't know if you want to talk to me.

It's what my dad told me all the way through high school-trust family and almost no one else. Well, I trusted family, and family doesn't always have your back. Your parents and your siblings, yes. The rest? Maybe. And at times, even your siblings won't back you up. It took me time to learn-to experience for myself-what my dad told me.

That's why they say that parents are always right. Which reminds me-go and give your parents a hug & tell them you love them. They might think you're crazy if you've never done it before-some of you probably think it's crazy, but you'll learn and see for yourself someday.

I just hope it won't take you time and this thing called work hardening-which is a term for how blacksmiths beat metals with alloys to make them stronger-won't happen to you like it does to most people, and like it has to me.

So, I don't need anyone else except Allah. I said some time ago that I needed whoever was supposed to make me a better person, whoever she is, whatever her name is. I've realized that I don't need to be in a relationship to feel happy, to get through everything. I got used to being in a relationship. I'm in no rush to get into another one. Whenever the time is right, Allah will make it happen. I trust Allah.

So, Alhamdullilah. All we need is Allah.

Rascal Flatts-Stand

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever-Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. I just found this quote online, and I love how true it is. People say that heart break isn't real; it is, and science has proven it. It's called Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy.

I haven't taken a day off to relax in two months-the last few days I took off very for a test so I could study & because I was sick-so I've taken a day off next week where I'm going to go pumpkin carving with some friends. I'm really looking forward to it; I've been sick these past two weeks, and it took a week of NyQuil at night & Acetaminophen throughout the day to recover, simply because I don't get a chance to rest. Even today, I woke up & forced myself to study instead of going online and then spent most of the day with family.

Oh, and two of my three muscle pulls in my legs and feet are gone, Alhamdullilah.

So, life is just.. Alhamdullilah.
I'm not going to say good or bad, because that's a matter of perspective, and I wouldn't be here if I had the choice. I'm only around because there's way too many people who rely on me-and I never, ever, ever let anyone down-and there's family members who can't go on without me. My parents can't, and it's because I've been in their lives for so long-no parent should ever, ever, ever, ever (stress a million times on ever) have to experience the death of their child-so that's pretty much the only reason why I even fear that Allah has death in store for me before its my parents' time.

Just like Dumbledore said; there are things in life worse than death.

Speaking of things in life, I'm changing how I do stuff. I don't expect things from people at all. It's much better to just give and give and never expect anything in return. Almost everyone will always let you down.
They'll be super nice to you and help you until they don't need you anymore. I say 'almost' everyone because the only people who won't are your family, best friends, and maybe a few other friends who love you.

I've also stopped planning things for the next few months. I still plan for the future. I had a plan until now to get married (InshaAllah) after doing my Masters (InshaAllah) & then have my four children (InshaAllah) & build my own house.
Now.. I'm keeping those plans. I'm just not going to set a time frame. I'm not going to keep thinking about all those plans. I'm focusing on the present, on what's happening today and tomorrow and next week.
It makes things easier.. simpler. I'm not expecting things to happen, and I'm definitely not getting disappointed when things don't happen.

Andddd.. I'm focusing more on helping and giving and making people laugh. That's what has worked all this time-to give & enjoy that feeling of happiness inside me when someone smiled or laughed and it was because of me.
Like in my chemistry class, my teacher gives us in class assignments randomly where she checks our attendance. So I do one with my own name & grab another piece of paper and write the name of someone famous. The first time, I wrote Chuck Norris, and my professor asked the class if anyone was named Chuck Norris because they actually did the assignment too. Two guys actually raised their hands and said they were Chuck Norris-freshmen kids trying to act all cool-and everyone laughed, and only my friends know that it was me. The second time I didn't write anything, but on the third & fourth assignments, I wrote 'Napoleon' and 'Jesus'. On Friday, she has us do an anonymous feedback for how her explanation for stoichiometry was & I wrote 'Chuck Norris approves' and she laughed a lot when she saw it. I'm going to tell the professor at the end of the semester that it was me all along, but I'll enjoy making her smile till then.

I'm getting a headache now, so Imma stop writing.

A long overdue post. And the 365 Day Project, Day 13

Of faith, of life, of love.

You never know what's going to happen in life. You might know what you expect to happen, but there is no guarantee that something will definitely happen. Except, of course, death. Someone could die and people would be affected.
Anything is possible. In a good way and in a bad way. And there's no way of being prepared for everything in life. Except by accepting it and moving on.
I know I haven't written my usual randomly funny or filled-with-love posts in a long time. I've been thinking that I'm okay, that I'm over everything that has happened to me, and that I'm dealing with today. But I realized a few days ago that I actually haven't. I just thought I had, and that thought was part of my 'I never get surprised by anything' and 'I can deal with anything' part of me. What I didn't realize was that surprises are often good. It's more.. fun.. to not expect a surprise from your friends and then be surprised when you actually are surprised. Even if you're going to get cake on your face, your friends went through the trouble of doing something for you. Because they care about you. Oh, you may think different, that no one really cares, but they do. They just have their own ways of showing it.
But I'm not here to talk about surprises.
I'm here.. to talk about.. me. And I don't know.. where to begin.
Or where to continue from, really.

But I'll try. Because if I don't try, I'm not moving forward. And I can't embrace today's gifts if I'm still dealing with yesterday.

I'm not sure about the purpose of my life anymore. I thought I was here to make a change, a good change, to be a help when anyone needed me. These past few months, I haven't really felt like I've helped anyone.
And to me, that's what my life used to be about. That smile on that person's face and knowing that I put it there was all that I used to care about. And while I'm working to get a smile on many faces at the same time, I've realized something.
It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Oh, hey, nothing in life is easy, right?

So, right now, I'm twenty. I'm studying engineering. I'd rather be studying something fun, like political science, or human biology-did you know that the average human body has 206 bones?-but then, engineering is my challenge for myself. If I can graduate with a degree in engineering, I will have achieved something that I can really be proud of. That is something that will stay with me forever.

Can I call myself happy? I have a life to be thankful for. I have an amazing family (Alhamdullilah, thank God),  I'm studying at Rutgers University (Alhamdullilah, thank God), I have clothes to wear and food to eat (Alhamdullilah, thank God), and I live in an apartment (Alhamdullilah, thank God). I should call myself really happy.

But I'm not. I still love someone. I realized it two days ago. First love isn't something that just goes away. I've denied that I still love that person because I didn't see it that way. I didn't know that I still loved that person. And yet, I do. I'm not going to get her. But that doesn't stop me from loving her. That doesn't stop me from praying for the best for her. I'm happy for her and the person she's with. And I hope that they stay happy forever, InshaAllah, Ameen.

And now that I've admitted that, I can live with myself. Because I may not be the happiest or the most thankful person around, but I do my best to stay honest, to stay hard-working, to stay me.

God alone knows what will happen in life.
All I know is that I will do my best with whatever I have.

That's my aunt's cat, yes. Her name is 'Hello Kitty'. My aunt's cat's name is Hello Kitty, yes. Not my aunt's name.

Danza Kuduro

Here's a llama
There's a llama
And another little llama
Fuzzy llama
Funny llama
Llama llama duck

Two glasses of Pepsi are enough to make me drunk.
I'd probably die with three.

You're probably wondering what the link/picture is that I'm talking about.

I can just imagine Aral wearing it <3

When your lips touch mine

It's the kiss of life

I know

I know that it's a little bit frightening

We might as well be playing

With lightning

Spain won. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
*does the crazy dance*

If you don't know what the crazy dance is, then.. invent one. It's what I did.
It's something along the lines of what Ali Gul Pir does in Waderai Ka Beta.

For those of you who don't know who Ali Gul Pir is, he's a comedian. From Dadu. Which is in Sindh. Which is in Pakistan. Which is in Asia. Which is in the Eastern Hemisphere. Which is on planet Earth. Which is in the Milky Way Galaxy. Though the Earth won't be around in a billion years. And the Milky Way Galaxy won't be around in a few billion years.

Why did I give the entire address? Because I believe in-wait for it-aliens.

After all, God says in the Holy Quran that He is 'Lord of the worlds.'

Worlds, people. Not world.
Mind-blown?

But back to Ali Gul Pir. Here's his video.

And now back to the crazy dance. My brother and I invented one. I think I'll take a video of it and put it up when I have nothing better in the world to do.

Now back to Spain winning. One of my beloved best friends wasn't supporting Spain. Seriously. It took a while to get over it. Especially when she was happy with me getting mad at her and wanting to egg her.

Eventually, I felt really bad for not forgiving her and sung Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me to her as my way of apologizing. Yes, that's the kind of person I am. Made her day, I hope.

And my iTunes is playing random songs. It's on Shuffle, after all.

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world
As I fell asleep
Fireflies-Owl City

Sad songs & depression again

So I drive and I think about my life
And wonder why that I slowly die inside
Every time I turn that truck around
Right at the Georgia line 
And I count the days
And the miles back home to you 
On that Highway 20 ride
Highway 20 ride-Zac Brown Band

I had a brilliant idea that I've been slowly working on.
It comes as a result of hurt, betrayal, sadness, anger, tiredness, and depression.
No, no good feelings that gave me such a brilliant idea.
It's not suicide, no, if that's what you were thinking.

I was thinking of building a house in New Jersey.

Why New Jersey? Because the weather there is awesome and it's not that far away from civilization.

And I'm going to live there alone as in with no other human being.

Why alone?

Because I'm sick of people.

There's very few people in my life right now whom I'm not sick of.

I'm considering keeping two German Shepherds with me.

After all, I can't

a)fall in love with the dogs (yes, that was meant to make you laugh)

b)become upset by something they say

c)play monopoly with them and have them cheat continuously

d)I'm tired of listing everything here

e)Maroon Five are awesome

Like an aeroplane
I took flight
Fell in love with you that first night 
Cause you danced with me 
And I could see that there was more to life 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you-ooh
Tyler Ward-Falling

I wish my life was this song.
'Cause songs, they never die.
I could write for years and years
and never have to cry.
I'd show you how I feel without saying a word.
I could wrap up both our hearts.
I know it sounds absurd.

The last song ever-A walk to remember

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Jesse Mccartney-Because you live

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
John Mayer-Half of my heart

it only hurts when
your eyes are open
lies get tossed
and truth is spoken
it only hurts
when that door gets open
dreams are lost
and hearts are broken
Default-It only hurts

Justin Bieber can sing

I've realized that there is hope for humanity after all. I know three amazing writers-Ezazi, Areesha, and a students at school, whose name is Faisal and is writing an amazing story which he allowed me to read.
And Justin Bieber sounds better now that he's older. Doesn't sound like a girl anymore.

This Romeo's bleeding
You can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

I made a list of my favorite memories. Maybe I missed out a few.
Being awarded my first-ever first position certificate in front of the entire school and walking all the way up the line to collect it. And later comparing grades to find out that I had beat the smartest girl in school.

Talking to Deaf children in sign language, and trying to work out what they were saying in every sentence, only to find out that they were calling me big and fat.

Meeting the new girl in school all of a sudden. I had only seen her once before that since she was a distant relative. I was the new Head Boy at Bay View and my team of Prefects were checking students' uniforms at the end of assembly. And since she was new, she didn't know what all the policies were. So she was called out of line for wearing the wrong color of shoes-yes, my school has a policy about that-and brought to me. And all I could say was 'hi' and 'you're (her name comes here), right?' That's when I first encountered breathlessness. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting on the white bench, watching the new girl in school tryout for the Junior Basketball Team. And admiring her for it. I never could play Basketball. Until a few months ago, I couldn't play. Waiting till all my friends had left, just to watch her play. And finding out later that a friend had told her that I had a crush on her, only to find out that the feeling was mutual. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting with her at the iftar party, away from my friends and her friends, just getting to know her. Having her as my centre of attention. People staring at me cause no girl had ever interested me through ten years of school. Just talking to her and enjoying it. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Getting my admissions letter to Lyceum and taking it to my cousin's house to read it in full. Being excited, and texting my friends to tell them the news. Texting and studying for my O'levels and listening to the radio. Ah, those were the times.

My first day at Lyceum. Finding my timetable amidst the chaos, meeting old friends and making new ones. Realizing that the seniors weren't allowed to rag us but still being given hell from most of them. Reading an article in a newsletter that made fun of the newbies and walking up to six seniors and taking them all on in a dissing war.

Playing with my puppies. Feeding them. Having them run after me. Oh, how I miss them, so I'm not going to elaborate on that memory.

Playing fouzeball with a group of friends and being one of the best at the game. Taking people on with one hand behind my back and still managing to win. Playing with my future best friend and winning everyone's challenges.

Coming back to Pakistan at 4am in the morning and surprising everyone by texting them. The sudden heat, the people staring at us, and the mosquitoes haunting us. Waiting for my cousin to pick us up and the curious stares everyone kept giving us.

Staying up all night and chatting with Ezazi & Areesha and listening to music and singing Aqua's Barbie Girl and Axel's Crazy frog so loudly I woke my brother and he came and checked if I was feeling alright.

If our love was a fairy tale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we'd say I do

7 am-waves of insanity

The Canon T4i is out, as of today. I'm not even mentioning the price here, since I'm saving up for the T3i. :)

If I had a pound for every time I've thought or dreamt of you, I'd be a millionare.

Anyway.
I stayed up all night. Watched the soccer matches. Prayed. Hoped Germany would lose somehow, but it was not meant to be.
And after Fajr, it was back to YouTube :P

Right now I'm playing Waderai Ka Beta and trying not to sing along :P

No one gets tired of loving. You just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, apologies, and hurting.

I knew I loved you before I met you

I knew I loved you before I met you

I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you

I have been waiting all my life

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

It's amazing how you speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain

What I hear when you don't say a thing

My first paragraph reminds me, 'American Standard' is usually the way to be.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

I'm enjoying the holidays. I have guests staying over at my place who're from my family's ancestral home, Larkana, and relatives  from America, so it's a pretty diverse atmosphere. Music and new technology mixing with prayers and chaos.

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing,
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away,
And I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight.

Oh, and does anyone else have an Acer laptop that's been giving them trouble with overheating? Cause this is the second Acer laptop I've bought and both have the exact same problem, it's turning into a family joke, that the first problem with the laptop is that it's an Acer. Imma buy Asus next, anyone have one of those?

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along

I got into another university Alhamdullilah, this time the University of Texas at Dallas. So now I can choose between the East Coast, the West Coast, and the South.

The biggest mistake you'll make is walking away from the person that stood there and waited for you.

Pieces of Heaven

Look what I did!

Yes, I shaved off my hair-by self, no less, since I have the shaving machine.

If you felt like laughing, go ahead. These people certainly did.

Heads up. I feel like singing.

Socha Kya Kabhi Tou Ne Ye

Aye Tum Kahan Say Ho

Jao Gay Kahan Ye Socha

Naheen Ray Naheen

And I found it there in your heart 

It isn't too hard to see 

We're in heaven 

Who will turn your world around 

Bring you up when you're feelin' down 

And love is all that I need 

Oh - once in your life you find someone

Bring you up when you're feelin' down

I have over 150 followers!!!

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

I went to one of the new malls the other day and there was a group of my ninth grade students, all of them high on Red Bull.

Now while I'm eating Cinnamonn rolls at Cinnabonn, they proceed to yell hi to me from a mile away and then walk towards me, all the while singing and 'walking like a beanie,' as they put it.

Yes, this post was meant to make people smile.

I have been searching for your touch

Unlike any touch I've ever known

And I never thought about you much

Til I'm broken down and all alone, ohhh

Though I don't understand the meaning of love

I do not mind if I die trying, ohhh

Took it for granted when you lifted me up

Oh, and I have holidays. I started them off by staying up till Fajr for two days in a row (which is a massive achievement considering the horrible migraines I can get as a result of simply changing my sleeping pattern) and only got the usual migraines.


Oh, oh, I was singing so much while staying up and chatting that my brother actually came to check my temperature to see why I was soo happy.


Beauty queen of only eighteen,
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else


I drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more


I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pourin rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
She will be loved



If I have ten cubes and you have eleven apples, how many pancakes can fit on the roof Purple. Because aliens don't wear hats.

You have the power to

I was reading my old posts from last year.

And it's summer again. The only thing good about it is the holidays. And no school. Because this heat is really making my migraines worse, and I can't sit in the A/C all day-I'm a busy person with lots of work to do.

My best friend wrote a poem which, according to her, describes me.
I'm saying 'according to her' since I'm being modest about this.
And it is the highlight of my post.
Thank you, Hadia. Love you.

You are like the sun, 
When people are freezing, you warm them, 
So never despair, for you have the power to be needed. 

A tree, a shade to unify, 
When the heat gets scorching people come to you to get a gentle breeze 
So be thankful, for you have the power to unite. 

You may be alone, yet never lonely 
You know a person around every corner 
So be happy, for you make people feel wanted. 

You are there if ever someone needs a friend 
Don't want them to feel lonely, for you know how it feels 
Feel the light you spread, for you have the power to care & love. 

You're like a clown, always smiling 
Ever ready to spread laughter and grins 
So never fear, for you have a gift few possess. 

Be an exuberant cheeku
Full of vitality and sugar 
And bask in this feeling, for you have the power to make the most of life. 

A free bird is what you are 
Not bound to anyone, free to follow your heart's desire 
So savour every moment of your flight, for you have wings. 

You may feel frustrated, 
For all your hard work seems in vain 
Don't quit the climb, just remember, you may be climbing the wrong mountain. 

You were betrayed, you feel sad, 
People abandoned you, now you have become immune 
Don't grieve, for you know not how many other people care for you. 

Now you are going, you may feel left out 
But slowly your light will spread, 
Still if ever there is an eclipse, remember, you left an irreplaceable void behind you. 

Life may defeat you, you feel miserable, 
Just want to jump off a cliff and die, 
Don't give up, for you know, you have the power to make a difference