Of faith, of life, of love.
You never know what's going to happen in life. You might know what you expect to happen, but there is no guarantee that something will definitely happen. Except, of course, death. Someone could die and people would be affected.
Anything is possible. In a good way and in a bad way. And there's no way of being prepared for everything in life. Except by accepting it and moving on.
I know I haven't written my usual randomly funny or filled-with-love posts in a long time. I've been thinking that I'm okay, that I'm over everything that has happened to me, and that I'm dealing with today. But I realized a few days ago that I actually haven't. I just thought I had, and that thought was part of my 'I never get surprised by anything' and 'I can deal with anything' part of me. What I didn't realize was that surprises are often good. It's more.. fun.. to not expect a surprise from your friends and then be surprised when you actually are surprised. Even if you're going to get cake on your face, your friends went through the trouble of doing something for you. Because they care about you. Oh, you may think different, that no one really cares, but they do. They just have their own ways of showing it.
But I'm not here to talk about surprises.
I'm here.. to talk about.. me. And I don't know.. where to begin.
Or where to continue from, really.
But I'll try. Because if I don't try, I'm not moving forward. And I can't embrace today's gifts if I'm still dealing with yesterday.
I'm not sure about the purpose of my life anymore. I thought I was here to make a change, a good change, to be a help when anyone needed me. These past few months, I haven't really felt like I've helped anyone.
And to me, that's what my life used to be about. That smile on that person's face and knowing that I put it there was all that I used to care about. And while I'm working to get a smile on many faces at the same time, I've realized something.
It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Oh, hey, nothing in life is easy, right?
So, right now, I'm twenty. I'm studying engineering. I'd rather be studying something fun, like political science, or human biology-did you know that the average human body has 206 bones?-but then, engineering is my challenge for myself. If I can graduate with a degree in engineering, I will have achieved something that I can really be proud of. That is something that will stay with me forever.
Can I call myself happy? I have a life to be thankful for. I have an amazing family (Alhamdullilah, thank God), I'm studying at Rutgers University (Alhamdullilah, thank God), I have clothes to wear and food to eat (Alhamdullilah, thank God), and I live in an apartment (Alhamdullilah, thank God). I should call myself really happy.
But I'm not. I still love someone. I realized it two days ago. First love isn't something that just goes away. I've denied that I still love that person because I didn't see it that way. I didn't know that I still loved that person. And yet, I do. I'm not going to get her. But that doesn't stop me from loving her. That doesn't stop me from praying for the best for her. I'm happy for her and the person she's with. And I hope that they stay happy forever, InshaAllah, Ameen.
And now that I've admitted that, I can live with myself. Because I may not be the happiest or the most thankful person around, but I do my best to stay honest, to stay hard-working, to stay me.
God alone knows what will happen in life.
All I know is that I will do my best with whatever I have.
That's my aunt's cat, yes. Her name is 'Hello Kitty'. My aunt's cat's name is Hello Kitty, yes. Not my aunt's name.
