Alhamdullilah

December 24th, 2011-She said to smile till my cheeks hurt.

I manged to do that today. Took me long enough, but I didn't depend on anyone or anything to get here, except Allah.

So, yes, I'm smiling now. And yes, my cheeks do hurt. :)

All about your heart-Mindy Gledhill

Cause since ripping out my soul & heart isn't enough
Will my death be enough for you?

I don't mind your odd behavior
It's the very thing I love

If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one

My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh

Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go

Oh, I loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day

You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say

It's not about your scars
It's all about your heart.

You're a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon

Go on, you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Oh, I loved you from the start
In every single way, and more each passing day

You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say

I't's not about your scars
It's all about your heart

Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me
If I can not have you

Oh, I loved you from the start
In every single way, and more each passing day.

About Today. And 365 Day Project, Day.. 23

I've crossed 60,000 page views.
Makes me feel good.

I've made a bunch of mistakes along the way. I've moved across continents. I've gained weight, too. (Yes, that was supposed to make you laugh). I'm losing that weight, by the way.

But I was watching Warrior today. I've seen the brothers' fight before, but at that time I only cared about the song that was playing and trying to find out what song that was. It's 'About Today' by The National, if anyone wants to know.

I don't know what I'm going to do in life. Only God knows. It still takes time to forgive oneself for every mistake made along the way. And for me, a mistake is made when someone else is hurt or badly affected by something I did. And living with that is not easy, especially not when all you want to do is help other people. When you don't care about you, but you believe that you're here to make it better for someone else. Whoever else that person may be.

This is all just really random. Like the way I used to be. The way I liked to be.

I wanted to say one thing after watching Warrior. That guy may never hear it to read it, but I'm still going to say it. You damn well better take care of her. Cause now it's your responsibility and you better be around for her forever.

That said, here's today's picture. It's at sunset, yes. The very last rays of the sun on this side of the planet.
I love the picture since you can see the purple/pink part of the rays too.

A long overdue post. And the 365 Day Project, Day 13

Of faith, of life, of love.

You never know what's going to happen in life. You might know what you expect to happen, but there is no guarantee that something will definitely happen. Except, of course, death. Someone could die and people would be affected.
Anything is possible. In a good way and in a bad way. And there's no way of being prepared for everything in life. Except by accepting it and moving on.
I know I haven't written my usual randomly funny or filled-with-love posts in a long time. I've been thinking that I'm okay, that I'm over everything that has happened to me, and that I'm dealing with today. But I realized a few days ago that I actually haven't. I just thought I had, and that thought was part of my 'I never get surprised by anything' and 'I can deal with anything' part of me. What I didn't realize was that surprises are often good. It's more.. fun.. to not expect a surprise from your friends and then be surprised when you actually are surprised. Even if you're going to get cake on your face, your friends went through the trouble of doing something for you. Because they care about you. Oh, you may think different, that no one really cares, but they do. They just have their own ways of showing it.
But I'm not here to talk about surprises.
I'm here.. to talk about.. me. And I don't know.. where to begin.
Or where to continue from, really.

But I'll try. Because if I don't try, I'm not moving forward. And I can't embrace today's gifts if I'm still dealing with yesterday.

I'm not sure about the purpose of my life anymore. I thought I was here to make a change, a good change, to be a help when anyone needed me. These past few months, I haven't really felt like I've helped anyone.
And to me, that's what my life used to be about. That smile on that person's face and knowing that I put it there was all that I used to care about. And while I'm working to get a smile on many faces at the same time, I've realized something.
It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Oh, hey, nothing in life is easy, right?

So, right now, I'm twenty. I'm studying engineering. I'd rather be studying something fun, like political science, or human biology-did you know that the average human body has 206 bones?-but then, engineering is my challenge for myself. If I can graduate with a degree in engineering, I will have achieved something that I can really be proud of. That is something that will stay with me forever.

Can I call myself happy? I have a life to be thankful for. I have an amazing family (Alhamdullilah, thank God),  I'm studying at Rutgers University (Alhamdullilah, thank God), I have clothes to wear and food to eat (Alhamdullilah, thank God), and I live in an apartment (Alhamdullilah, thank God). I should call myself really happy.

But I'm not. I still love someone. I realized it two days ago. First love isn't something that just goes away. I've denied that I still love that person because I didn't see it that way. I didn't know that I still loved that person. And yet, I do. I'm not going to get her. But that doesn't stop me from loving her. That doesn't stop me from praying for the best for her. I'm happy for her and the person she's with. And I hope that they stay happy forever, InshaAllah, Ameen.

And now that I've admitted that, I can live with myself. Because I may not be the happiest or the most thankful person around, but I do my best to stay honest, to stay hard-working, to stay me.

God alone knows what will happen in life.
All I know is that I will do my best with whatever I have.

That's my aunt's cat, yes. Her name is 'Hello Kitty'. My aunt's cat's name is Hello Kitty, yes. Not my aunt's name.

Fragments. Of sad songs. Compiled into a story.

So don't fall in love there's just too much to loseIf you're given the choice, I'm begging you choose to walk away, walk away,Don't let it get you, I can't bear to see the same happen to you.Now son, I'm only telling you this, because life can do terrible things.
Life is not meant to be fair. Love hurts. It's better and easier to never fall in love. That way, you don't end up being scarred for life.-Me.And that's what this entire post is about. It's sad, yes. It's a story of how I refuse to trust anyone totally anymore. It's a story of how hope fails, patience fails, love, even love fails.This brings an end to my month-and-a-half of happiness. Really bumming, I was hoping to go for a record two months after four years of pain.Even when life gives you misery, you smile and enjoy the good things that God has given you, now that is not how strong you are or how much sense you have, but it's something even more awesome. Well, I'm going to start again tomorrow.
In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever toldSomewhere far along this road he lost his soulTo a woman so heartlessHow could you be so heartless?How could you be so heartless?Heartless-Kanye West
My hands are cold, my body's numb,I'm still in shock, what have you done?My head is pounding, my visions blurredYour mouth is moving, I don't hear a word
And I hurt so bad, that I search my skinFor the entry point, where love went inAnd ricocheted and bounced aroundAnd left a hole, when you walked out
I'm falling through the doors of the emergency roomCan anybody help me with these exit wounds?And I'm dying, dying from the exit woundsExit wounds-The Script
These wounds won't seem to healThis pain is just too realThere's just too much that time cannot eraseMy immortal-Evanescence
Back up the day nowWhat did I do to get us to this pointMe losing you in this momentI feel it, deep in my chest I can't breathe
I can't let go, broken yet holding onTo you, to us, this love is too strong for me to let goBroken yet holding on
Afraid everything is over nowThe rain clouds are passingStill tryna wonder how I lost youAre you really over me? You said so, don't believe itYou were where I wanna beI love youBroken yet holding on-Unknown
What about me? It isn't fairI've had enough, now I want my shareCan't you see, I want to liveBut you just take more than you giveWhat about me-Shannon Noll
All she wanna do is hurt meMake me play her gameAll she wanna do is hurt meShe wants me to feel painI tried to say I'm sorryBut that don't mean a thingAll she wanna do is hurt meHurt me-Ne Yo
And she knows that I know she's unfaithfulAnd it kills me insideTo know that she's happy with some other guyShe can see me dyingUnfaithful cover-(original Unfaithful-Rihanna)
So soft and slow, never knew a girlCould be so God damn coldI know, the way she moveGot me spendin' my doughAnd yo, if you would've seenWhat I seen on the pole, just know
That I was wrong for fallin' in loveI was wrong for fallin' in loveAgainst the grain-Akon
It only hurtsWhen your eyes are openLies get tossedAnd truth is spokenIt only hurts when that doorGets openDreams are lostAnd hearts are brokenIt only hurts-Default
I trusted youYeah that would be my first mistakeYeah I...I've been lied toYour eyes are ice cold blueA mirror of the heart inside of youJust go-Jesse Mccartney
You left in the rain without closing the doorI didn't stand in your way.
But I miss you more than I missed you beforeAnd now where I'll find comfort, God knows'Cause you left me just when I needed you mostLeft me just when I needed you most
Now most mornings, I stare out the windowAnd I think about where you might beI've written you letters that I'd like to sendIf you would just send one to meYou left me just when I needed you most-Randy Van Warmer
When your day is long and the nightThe night is yours aloneWhen you're sure you've had enoughOf this life, well hang on,Don't let yourself goEverybody cries and everybody hurts sometimesEverybody hurts-R.E.M.
I open my lungs to breathe in forgiveness and loveHaunting me now reminders of how I used to beAnd on down the road my troubles are sure to followLooking out the window, the hell if I know where I will goSo I'll just keep on drivingTennessee Line-Chris Daughtry
So don't fall in love there's just too much to loseIf you're given the choice, I'm begging you choose to walk away, walk away,Don't let it get you, I can't bear to see the same happen to you.Now son, I'm only telling you this, because life can do terrible things.Terrible things-Mayday Parade

This is my life

I have no new crazy ideas right now.

It's a first for me.

Though I did walk like Mr Bean does-his weird dance.

And I lost at chess because I sent my King to kill a Pawn.

And when I realized how mad that had been, I laughed till I cried.

Oh, and my sleeping patterns have changed soo much. I sleep between 11pm and 4am, then wake up for gym at 7am (shudders, I hate waking up for gym of all things) and then crash from 9am to 4pm. Amazing schedule. Why did I give specific times? So if anyone else out there has similar crazy timings, we can compare notes of what we do that makes us sleep in those timings.

Compare notes?

Did I really say that?

Must be losing it.

Oh wait.

I never had it.

Danza Kuduro

Here's a llama
There's a llama
And another little llama
Fuzzy llama
Funny llama
Llama llama duck

Two glasses of Pepsi are enough to make me drunk.
I'd probably die with three.

You're probably wondering what the link/picture is that I'm talking about.

I can just imagine Aral wearing it <3

When your lips touch mine

It's the kiss of life

I know

I know that it's a little bit frightening

We might as well be playing

With lightning

Spain won. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
*does the crazy dance*

If you don't know what the crazy dance is, then.. invent one. It's what I did.
It's something along the lines of what Ali Gul Pir does in Waderai Ka Beta.

For those of you who don't know who Ali Gul Pir is, he's a comedian. From Dadu. Which is in Sindh. Which is in Pakistan. Which is in Asia. Which is in the Eastern Hemisphere. Which is on planet Earth. Which is in the Milky Way Galaxy. Though the Earth won't be around in a billion years. And the Milky Way Galaxy won't be around in a few billion years.

Why did I give the entire address? Because I believe in-wait for it-aliens.

After all, God says in the Holy Quran that He is 'Lord of the worlds.'

Worlds, people. Not world.
Mind-blown?

But back to Ali Gul Pir. Here's his video.

And now back to the crazy dance. My brother and I invented one. I think I'll take a video of it and put it up when I have nothing better in the world to do.

Now back to Spain winning. One of my beloved best friends wasn't supporting Spain. Seriously. It took a while to get over it. Especially when she was happy with me getting mad at her and wanting to egg her.

Eventually, I felt really bad for not forgiving her and sung Bryan Adam's Please Forgive Me to her as my way of apologizing. Yes, that's the kind of person I am. Made her day, I hope.

And my iTunes is playing random songs. It's on Shuffle, after all.

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world
As I fell asleep
Fireflies-Owl City

Sad songs & depression again

So I drive and I think about my life
And wonder why that I slowly die inside
Every time I turn that truck around
Right at the Georgia line 
And I count the days
And the miles back home to you 
On that Highway 20 ride
Highway 20 ride-Zac Brown Band

I had a brilliant idea that I've been slowly working on.
It comes as a result of hurt, betrayal, sadness, anger, tiredness, and depression.
No, no good feelings that gave me such a brilliant idea.
It's not suicide, no, if that's what you were thinking.

I was thinking of building a house in New Jersey.

Why New Jersey? Because the weather there is awesome and it's not that far away from civilization.

And I'm going to live there alone as in with no other human being.

Why alone?

Because I'm sick of people.

There's very few people in my life right now whom I'm not sick of.

I'm considering keeping two German Shepherds with me.

After all, I can't

a)fall in love with the dogs (yes, that was meant to make you laugh)

b)become upset by something they say

c)play monopoly with them and have them cheat continuously

d)I'm tired of listing everything here

e)Maroon Five are awesome

Like an aeroplane
I took flight
Fell in love with you that first night 
Cause you danced with me 
And I could see that there was more to life 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you 
I'm falling 
I'm falling 
In love with you-ooh
Tyler Ward-Falling

I wish my life was this song.
'Cause songs, they never die.
I could write for years and years
and never have to cry.
I'd show you how I feel without saying a word.
I could wrap up both our hearts.
I know it sounds absurd.

The last song ever-A walk to remember

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Jesse Mccartney-Because you live

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
oh, with half of my heart
John Mayer-Half of my heart

it only hurts when
your eyes are open
lies get tossed
and truth is spoken
it only hurts
when that door gets open
dreams are lost
and hearts are broken
Default-It only hurts

Justin Bieber can sing

I've realized that there is hope for humanity after all. I know three amazing writers-Ezazi, Areesha, and a students at school, whose name is Faisal and is writing an amazing story which he allowed me to read.
And Justin Bieber sounds better now that he's older. Doesn't sound like a girl anymore.

This Romeo's bleeding
You can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

I made a list of my favorite memories. Maybe I missed out a few.
Being awarded my first-ever first position certificate in front of the entire school and walking all the way up the line to collect it. And later comparing grades to find out that I had beat the smartest girl in school.

Talking to Deaf children in sign language, and trying to work out what they were saying in every sentence, only to find out that they were calling me big and fat.

Meeting the new girl in school all of a sudden. I had only seen her once before that since she was a distant relative. I was the new Head Boy at Bay View and my team of Prefects were checking students' uniforms at the end of assembly. And since she was new, she didn't know what all the policies were. So she was called out of line for wearing the wrong color of shoes-yes, my school has a policy about that-and brought to me. And all I could say was 'hi' and 'you're (her name comes here), right?' That's when I first encountered breathlessness. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting on the white bench, watching the new girl in school tryout for the Junior Basketball Team. And admiring her for it. I never could play Basketball. Until a few months ago, I couldn't play. Waiting till all my friends had left, just to watch her play. And finding out later that a friend had told her that I had a crush on her, only to find out that the feeling was mutual. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting with her at the iftar party, away from my friends and her friends, just getting to know her. Having her as my centre of attention. People staring at me cause no girl had ever interested me through ten years of school. Just talking to her and enjoying it. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Getting my admissions letter to Lyceum and taking it to my cousin's house to read it in full. Being excited, and texting my friends to tell them the news. Texting and studying for my O'levels and listening to the radio. Ah, those were the times.

My first day at Lyceum. Finding my timetable amidst the chaos, meeting old friends and making new ones. Realizing that the seniors weren't allowed to rag us but still being given hell from most of them. Reading an article in a newsletter that made fun of the newbies and walking up to six seniors and taking them all on in a dissing war.

Playing with my puppies. Feeding them. Having them run after me. Oh, how I miss them, so I'm not going to elaborate on that memory.

Playing fouzeball with a group of friends and being one of the best at the game. Taking people on with one hand behind my back and still managing to win. Playing with my future best friend and winning everyone's challenges.

Coming back to Pakistan at 4am in the morning and surprising everyone by texting them. The sudden heat, the people staring at us, and the mosquitoes haunting us. Waiting for my cousin to pick us up and the curious stares everyone kept giving us.

Staying up all night and chatting with Ezazi & Areesha and listening to music and singing Aqua's Barbie Girl and Axel's Crazy frog so loudly I woke my brother and he came and checked if I was feeling alright.

If our love was a fairy tale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we'd say I do

7 am-waves of insanity

The Canon T4i is out, as of today. I'm not even mentioning the price here, since I'm saving up for the T3i. :)

If I had a pound for every time I've thought or dreamt of you, I'd be a millionare.

Anyway.
I stayed up all night. Watched the soccer matches. Prayed. Hoped Germany would lose somehow, but it was not meant to be.
And after Fajr, it was back to YouTube :P

Right now I'm playing Waderai Ka Beta and trying not to sing along :P

No one gets tired of loving. You just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, apologies, and hurting.