Back to the life I'm used to.

I'm totally busy these days.
Working almost full-time, taking classes full-time, being the family chauffeur, and working out.

A year ago, it was almost the same thing.. except that I was working two jobs, over full-time.

The best part about being busy is that I rarely get time to think about you.
I love you.
I don't know if you do, but it feels like you don't.

So I'm trusting Allah & His plan.
I'm not worried.
I just need someone to make my migraines go away.
They beat the hell out of me & it's not like a fist fight where I can outsmart someone.
I need you.

Where are you?

Justin Bieber can sing

I've realized that there is hope for humanity after all. I know three amazing writers-Ezazi, Areesha, and a students at school, whose name is Faisal and is writing an amazing story which he allowed me to read.
And Justin Bieber sounds better now that he's older. Doesn't sound like a girl anymore.

This Romeo's bleeding
You can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

I made a list of my favorite memories. Maybe I missed out a few.
Being awarded my first-ever first position certificate in front of the entire school and walking all the way up the line to collect it. And later comparing grades to find out that I had beat the smartest girl in school.

Talking to Deaf children in sign language, and trying to work out what they were saying in every sentence, only to find out that they were calling me big and fat.

Meeting the new girl in school all of a sudden. I had only seen her once before that since she was a distant relative. I was the new Head Boy at Bay View and my team of Prefects were checking students' uniforms at the end of assembly. And since she was new, she didn't know what all the policies were. So she was called out of line for wearing the wrong color of shoes-yes, my school has a policy about that-and brought to me. And all I could say was 'hi' and 'you're (her name comes here), right?' That's when I first encountered breathlessness. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting on the white bench, watching the new girl in school tryout for the Junior Basketball Team. And admiring her for it. I never could play Basketball. Until a few months ago, I couldn't play. Waiting till all my friends had left, just to watch her play. And finding out later that a friend had told her that I had a crush on her, only to find out that the feeling was mutual. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Sitting with her at the iftar party, away from my friends and her friends, just getting to know her. Having her as my centre of attention. People staring at me cause no girl had ever interested me through ten years of school. Just talking to her and enjoying it. And yes, that was The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

Getting my admissions letter to Lyceum and taking it to my cousin's house to read it in full. Being excited, and texting my friends to tell them the news. Texting and studying for my O'levels and listening to the radio. Ah, those were the times.

My first day at Lyceum. Finding my timetable amidst the chaos, meeting old friends and making new ones. Realizing that the seniors weren't allowed to rag us but still being given hell from most of them. Reading an article in a newsletter that made fun of the newbies and walking up to six seniors and taking them all on in a dissing war.

Playing with my puppies. Feeding them. Having them run after me. Oh, how I miss them, so I'm not going to elaborate on that memory.

Playing fouzeball with a group of friends and being one of the best at the game. Taking people on with one hand behind my back and still managing to win. Playing with my future best friend and winning everyone's challenges.

Coming back to Pakistan at 4am in the morning and surprising everyone by texting them. The sudden heat, the people staring at us, and the mosquitoes haunting us. Waiting for my cousin to pick us up and the curious stares everyone kept giving us.

Staying up all night and chatting with Ezazi & Areesha and listening to music and singing Aqua's Barbie Girl and Axel's Crazy frog so loudly I woke my brother and he came and checked if I was feeling alright.

If our love was a fairy tale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we'd say I do

7 am-waves of insanity

The Canon T4i is out, as of today. I'm not even mentioning the price here, since I'm saving up for the T3i. :)

If I had a pound for every time I've thought or dreamt of you, I'd be a millionare.

Anyway.
I stayed up all night. Watched the soccer matches. Prayed. Hoped Germany would lose somehow, but it was not meant to be.
And after Fajr, it was back to YouTube :P

Right now I'm playing Waderai Ka Beta and trying not to sing along :P

No one gets tired of loving. You just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, apologies, and hurting.

I knew I loved you before I met you

I knew I loved you before I met you

I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you

I have been waiting all my life

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

It's amazing how you speak right to my heart
Without saying a word, you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain

What I hear when you don't say a thing

My first paragraph reminds me, 'American Standard' is usually the way to be.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

I'm enjoying the holidays. I have guests staying over at my place who're from my family's ancestral home, Larkana, and relatives  from America, so it's a pretty diverse atmosphere. Music and new technology mixing with prayers and chaos.

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing,
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away,
And I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight.

Oh, and does anyone else have an Acer laptop that's been giving them trouble with overheating? Cause this is the second Acer laptop I've bought and both have the exact same problem, it's turning into a family joke, that the first problem with the laptop is that it's an Acer. Imma buy Asus next, anyone have one of those?

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along

I got into another university Alhamdullilah, this time the University of Texas at Dallas. So now I can choose between the East Coast, the West Coast, and the South.

The biggest mistake you'll make is walking away from the person that stood there and waited for you.

Impressions

This is a story. The feelings of love are what I feel for The One Who Leaves Me Breathless. The experiences are my experiences with my closest friends. The pain described is how I mostly feel these days. The application essay was actually written by a best friend of mine three years ago and has been reproduced with her permission.

She died last night. I met her four years ago. I still remember seeing her for the first time at my aunt's wedding, and being introduced to learn that she was the groom's niece. I never knew perfection till I heard her speak. All I could say at that minute was a simple, lame, "Hi." Yeah, that's called breathlessness. I kept running into her at the wedding. I was taking pictures of my family and friends, and she was passing by. I was getting food, and she was there too. I was meeting friends, she was meeting her friends too. Naturally, my mind kept going blank every time.

Next week, she was the only thing on my mind. To my surprise, she added me on Facebook. And that's how our friendship started. It began with the usual hellos and his, the asking how we are and what we're doing in life. Talking about mutual friends, family life, all that. Applying to colleges together, meeting up at friends' parties, eventually taking each other's number to text too.

The next time we met up was at a friend's birthday party. We talked for a really long time, just the two of us sitting together and talking, oblivious to everyone else shouting and actually even not realizing that it was time to cut the cake until everyone started singing. That night was the first time I dreamt of her. I dreamt that we were laughing and talking while taking a walk along the shore. I never told her that I dreamt of her, but when we next met, she asked me if I had an accident or something bad had happened, because she had dreamt that I had an accident. I still didn't tell her my dream of her.

I remember how one of our mutual friends was getting married and asked both of us to come up with a dance. We thought of one, and when the time came to show it to everyone else who was also taking part in it, we danced together for the first ever.. and it was a perfect dance, without any mistakes. It's one of my treasured memories, especially since it showed the chemistry between us was infallible. Both our families were, naturally, invited to the wedding. Neither of our parents had any idea how close friends we had become or how much we texted all day. It was when the two of us started the dance-flashmob style-that our mothers began to realize it. As for the dance, it was the best one out of all the performances-at least, that's what I remember people telling us.

As time progressed, so did our friendship. We told each other almost everything; we were there for each other when one needed someone to talk to or vent. We were there for the other person when we needed somebody to support us, listen to our problems, offer advice, not to judge us, to help. It was as if we had imprinted on each other; we were everything we needed the other person to be, whether it was a friend, a sibling, a caretaker, teacher. We dedicated songs to each other on the radio. We stayed up late all night, counting what time we could stay awake till without any caffeine in our systems. When our exams came, we studied together, miles apart but connected through our phones. We woke up for each other on mornings when one person had an exam, just to wish the other good luck.

I never told her how much I loved her. She was the first person on my mind in the morning and the last person I spoke to before going to sleep at night. We texted each other all day-even finished my messaging packages of over a thousand texts in one day, something my brothers found shocking and demanded to know who I was texting-and with every day, I loved her more. I didn't want to ruin our friendship in case she didn't feel that way for me. I was content having her as my best friend.

When the time came to apply to universities, we applied to the same colleges. We edited each other's essays and I remember how much hers surprised mine. The topic had been 'What is the most important lesson you learnt in life?' And her answer? "Life is a learning process. Some may learn lessons the easy way and some the hard, but eventually there are some cruel, hard facts that are learnt by everybody. As I look around, I see people, depressed and unhappy. They become pessimistic and go into such depression that no one but themselves can come to their help. They go so far into the darkness that all hope in life vanishes. As I look around me, I learn that a life without hope can hardly be called life at all. Life includes so much, people’s love, affection and happiness. This happiness would never be felt but for the bad times and the sorrow. It is only through the bad that the good is understood. A person should live life as it is meant to be lived, with hope, and in the hope that the future holds something bright in store for them. The most important lesson I have learnt is to accept the past, engage in the present and place my hope in the future.' I saved that essay. It still gives me hope every time I get upset or depressed.

As fate would have it, we both got into two separate universities. They weren't that far from each other, in neighboring cities, but at least we gained admission into decent universities with scholarships. We scheduled the same travel itenary, so we could go together, which made it less of a hassle when we went. Besides, it's always better going with a friend. Two days before we were scheduled to leave, she didn't reply to my texts for a while. I got worried, and gave her a call. I was shocked when I heard her mother answer the phone.. And tell me that she had an accident and was in the intensive care unit.

Naturally, I went to the hospital immediately with a few friends. We stayed there for what felt like a really long time. Every second dragged; any second the doctors could come up and make us relieved or even more upset. Eventually, after around six hours after her accident, the doctors came to us and told us the terrible news. She had died, having had lost too much blood. It was shocking, even though people die every day.
After that, for weeks, I couldn't eat properly or concentrate fully on anything that I was doing. It was from.. shock.. and sadness.. and regret.. Like my world had turned upside down and nothing felt right. Like I had lost a huge part of me. Like I was untethered to anything, totally lost in a world that had lost its reason.

It was after a month or two that I finally started living properly again. My classmates at university thought that I was a totally withdrawn person since I rarely spoke to anyone, rarely went out with them, and did not join any sororities or clubs. It was a bit easier to live away from home at this point, I guess-wouldn't it have been much worse when I was back home with so many memories to remind me of her all the time? I accepted that she was gone, but I wasn't so sure of getting so close to other people again-what would I be like when they all left, too? I was lost, and slowly regaining my former self by praying a lot. By a lot, I don't mean sitting on the prayer mat and reciting verses. Prayer doesn't come in one single form. A person can sit and talk to God, reflect on things-sound like a monk, don't it?-or simply do things to help other people. Simple things, like making giving a compliment here and there, making them smile, making someone's day.

It was while going through my mail and looking for a mail from a friend of mine that I found her letter. I was surprised, cause I didn't remember reading it. "If you find this on any random day, then close it and don't read it yet. But if you're reading this and I'm not around anymore.. then, well, I wanted to say I'm sorry I'm gone. You're probably totally lost and not making new friends and not having a good time anymore. But isn't life meant to be lived? Imagine all the people you could make happy with the crazy and funny things you do all the time. Like the time outside Agha's when you told that guy who was really angry at his son how much you liked his bike and he smiled and laughed and gave his son a hug? Like when you picked up all the books for that student who didn't have any friends and hated hanging out with people?

And all those other times that I can't remember? You make such a big difference in everyone's lives. You made a huge difference in mine. It's like before I met you, life was like anyone else's. And then when you came in, it's like, stuff just happens around you. You're awesome, and you need to spread that awesomeness. Don't give up. I'm still here, and I'll meet you again one day. Just don't make it soon, though? Accept what's happened, smile, and focus on what you're doing. Don't let your family down. Isn't that what you always told me? That family is what you owe first and before anyone else? That a million friends aren't worth anything if your relations with your family aren't good? That your parents come before the rest of the world and making them happy is the best thing that you can do in this life? I love you. Don't let me down."

All I can say is that I was smiling after reading it. It was time to resume living. No more living in depression and sorrow. She had left her impression on me. I would meet her again, one day. But not yet. Space is infinite, without ending. All within it, just beginning.

Impressions

She died last night. I met her four years ago. I still remember seeing her for the first time at my aunt's wedding, and being introduced to learn that she was the groom's niece. I never knew perfection till I heard her speak. All I could say at that minute was a simple, lame, "Hi." Yeah, that's called breathlessness. I kept running into her at the wedding. I was taking pictures of my family and friends, and she was passing by. I was getting food, and she was there too. I was meeting friends, she was meeting her friends too. Naturally, my mind kept going blank every time.

Next week, she was the only thing on my mind. To my surprise, she added me on Facebook. And that's how our friendship started. It began with the usual hellos and his, the asking how we are and what we're doing in life. Talking about mutual friends, family life, all that. Applying to colleges together, meeting up at friends' parties, eventually taking each other's number to text too.

The next time we met up was at a friend's birthday party. We talked for a really long time, just the two 

of us sitting together and talking, oblivious to everyone else shouting and actually even not realizing that it was time to cut the cake until everyone started singing. That night was the first time I dreamt of her. I dreamt that we were laughing and talking while taking a walk along the shore. I never told her that I dreamt of her, but when we next met, she asked me if I had an accident or something bad had happened, because she had dreamt that I had an accident. I still didn't tell her my dream of her.

I remember how one of our mutual friends was getting married and asked both of us to come up with a dance. We thought of one, and when the time came to show it to everyone else who was also taking part in it, we danced together for the first ever.. and it was a perfect dance, without any mistakes. It's one of my treasured memories, especially since it showed the chemistry between us was infallible. Both our families were, naturally, invited to the wedding. Neither of our parents had any idea how close friends we had become or how much we texted all day. It was when the two of us started the dance-flashmob style-that our mothers began to realize it. As for the dance, it was the best one out of all the performances-at least, that's what I remember people telling us.