This is a story. The feelings of love are what I feel for The One Who Leaves Me Breathless. The experiences are my experiences with my closest friends. The pain described is how I mostly feel these days. The application essay was actually written by a best friend of mine three years ago and has been reproduced with her permission.
She died last night. I met her four years ago. I still remember seeing her for the first time at my aunt's wedding, and being introduced to learn that she was the groom's niece. I never knew perfection till I heard her speak. All I could say at that minute was a simple, lame, "Hi." Yeah, that's called breathlessness. I kept running into her at the wedding. I was taking pictures of my family and friends, and she was passing by. I was getting food, and she was there too. I was meeting friends, she was meeting her friends too. Naturally, my mind kept going blank every time.
Next week, she was the only thing on my mind. To my surprise, she added me on Facebook. And that's how our friendship started. It began with the usual hellos and his, the asking how we are and what we're doing in life. Talking about mutual friends, family life, all that. Applying to colleges together, meeting up at friends' parties, eventually taking each other's number to text too.
The next time we met up was at a friend's birthday party. We talked for a really long time, just the two of us sitting together and talking, oblivious to everyone else shouting and actually even not realizing that it was time to cut the cake until everyone started singing. That night was the first time I dreamt of her. I dreamt that we were laughing and talking while taking a walk along the shore. I never told her that I dreamt of her, but when we next met, she asked me if I had an accident or something bad had happened, because she had dreamt that I had an accident. I still didn't tell her my dream of her.
I remember how one of our mutual friends was getting married and asked both of us to come up with a dance. We thought of one, and when the time came to show it to everyone else who was also taking part in it, we danced together for the first ever.. and it was a perfect dance, without any mistakes. It's one of my treasured memories, especially since it showed the chemistry between us was infallible. Both our families were, naturally, invited to the wedding. Neither of our parents had any idea how close friends we had become or how much we texted all day. It was when the two of us started the dance-flashmob style-that our mothers began to realize it. As for the dance, it was the best one out of all the performances-at least, that's what I remember people telling us.
As time progressed, so did our friendship. We told each other almost everything; we were there for each other when one needed someone to talk to or vent. We were there for the other person when we needed somebody to support us, listen to our problems, offer advice, not to judge us, to help. It was as if we had imprinted on each other; we were everything we needed the other person to be, whether it was a friend, a sibling, a caretaker, teacher. We dedicated songs to each other on the radio. We stayed up late all night, counting what time we could stay awake till without any caffeine in our systems. When our exams came, we studied together, miles apart but connected through our phones. We woke up for each other on mornings when one person had an exam, just to wish the other good luck.
I never told her how much I loved her. She was the first person on my mind in the morning and the last person I spoke to before going to sleep at night. We texted each other all day-even finished my messaging packages of over a thousand texts in one day, something my brothers found shocking and demanded to know who I was texting-and with every day, I loved her more. I didn't want to ruin our friendship in case she didn't feel that way for me. I was content having her as my best friend.
When the time came to apply to universities, we applied to the same colleges. We edited each other's essays and I remember how much hers surprised mine. The topic had been 'What is the most important lesson you learnt in life?' And her answer? "Life is a learning process. Some may learn lessons the easy way and some the hard, but eventually there are some cruel, hard facts that are learnt by everybody. As I look around, I see people, depressed and unhappy. They become pessimistic and go into such depression that no one but themselves can come to their help. They go so far into the darkness that all hope in life vanishes. As I look around me, I learn that a life without hope can hardly be called life at all. Life includes so much, people’s love, affection and happiness. This happiness would never be felt but for the bad times and the sorrow. It is only through the bad that the good is understood. A person should live life as it is meant to be lived, with hope, and in the hope that the future holds something bright in store for them. The most important lesson I have learnt is to accept the past, engage in the present and place my hope in the future.' I saved that essay. It still gives me hope every time I get upset or depressed.
As fate would have it, we both got into two separate universities. They weren't that far from each other, in neighboring cities, but at least we gained admission into decent universities with scholarships. We scheduled the same travel itenary, so we could go together, which made it less of a hassle when we went. Besides, it's always better going with a friend. Two days before we were scheduled to leave, she didn't reply to my texts for a while. I got worried, and gave her a call. I was shocked when I heard her mother answer the phone.. And tell me that she had an accident and was in the intensive care unit.
Naturally, I went to the hospital immediately with a few friends. We stayed there for what felt like a really long time. Every second dragged; any second the doctors could come up and make us relieved or even more upset. Eventually, after around six hours after her accident, the doctors came to us and told us the terrible news. She had died, having had lost too much blood. It was shocking, even though people die every day.
After that, for weeks, I couldn't eat properly or concentrate fully on anything that I was doing. It was from.. shock.. and sadness.. and regret.. Like my world had turned upside down and nothing felt right. Like I had lost a huge part of me. Like I was untethered to anything, totally lost in a world that had lost its reason.
It was after a month or two that I finally started living properly again. My classmates at university thought that I was a totally withdrawn person since I rarely spoke to anyone, rarely went out with them, and did not join any sororities or clubs. It was a bit easier to live away from home at this point, I guess-wouldn't it have been much worse when I was back home with so many memories to remind me of her all the time? I accepted that she was gone, but I wasn't so sure of getting so close to other people again-what would I be like when they all left, too? I was lost, and slowly regaining my former self by praying a lot. By a lot, I don't mean sitting on the prayer mat and reciting verses. Prayer doesn't come in one single form. A person can sit and talk to God, reflect on things-sound like a monk, don't it?-or simply do things to help other people. Simple things, like making giving a compliment here and there, making them smile, making someone's day.
It was while going through my mail and looking for a mail from a friend of mine that I found her letter. I was surprised, cause I didn't remember reading it. "If you find this on any random day, then close it and don't read it yet. But if you're reading this and I'm not around anymore.. then, well, I wanted to say I'm sorry I'm gone. You're probably totally lost and not making new friends and not having a good time anymore. But isn't life meant to be lived? Imagine all the people you could make happy with the crazy and funny things you do all the time. Like the time outside Agha's when you told that guy who was really angry at his son how much you liked his bike and he smiled and laughed and gave his son a hug? Like when you picked up all the books for that student who didn't have any friends and hated hanging out with people?
And all those other times that I can't remember? You make such a big difference in everyone's lives. You made a huge difference in mine. It's like before I met you, life was like anyone else's. And then when you came in, it's like, stuff just happens around you. You're awesome, and you need to spread that awesomeness. Don't give up. I'm still here, and I'll meet you again one day. Just don't make it soon, though? Accept what's happened, smile, and focus on what you're doing. Don't let your family down. Isn't that what you always told me? That family is what you owe first and before anyone else? That a million friends aren't worth anything if your relations with your family aren't good? That your parents come before the rest of the world and making them happy is the best thing that you can do in this life? I love you. Don't let me down."
All I can say is that I was smiling after reading it. It was time to resume living. No more living in depression and sorrow. She had left her impression on me. I would meet her again, one day. But not yet. Space is infinite, without ending. All within it, just beginning.
