Parents always know best.

My dad was right.

He always said, "you can't trust anyone who's not in your family. Everyone else will betray you."

I always thought it was a cynical way of looking at life, and I had some hope that I could still prove him wrong, even after life showed me that people can't be trusted.

I lost faith in humanity, but I had faith in brotherhood.

Life just proved once again, that apart from your own family, no one can be trusted. Parents do know best.

Drowning

It's like something that's fragile, but stronger than anything else in the world. It's like a feather that the wind can blow away, but a feather that is heavier than mountains.

I'm turning 22 in a day. I expected to have graduated by now. I expected to be back in Pakistan. It's funny how life blows all your expectations out of the water, how everything changes so suddenly, how every single plan is completely destroyed. I've given up on having any plans for the future anymore. It's back to taking life one day at a time.

It's a really weird feeling to give up. I've always had this voice in my head that kept me going, that always said that God knows best and to keep trying, to keep throwing myself at everything until it was done. I can't hear that voice anymore. The faith in God is still there, thankfully. But without that voice, it's as if I've given up caring. Like nothing matters anymore.

The last time I gave up caring about anything, I stood a knife's edge away from death. It's a different sensation this time; like I'm free of any obligations, but I can focus more on the stuff that really matters. It's like being out of a cage that I've been trapped inside.

I don't care anymore. Why should I?

The shadows lengthen as he walks down the sidewalk,

It's past midnight, and there's almost no one around.

He walks calmly and slowly,

as if there isn't anything to worry about.

A car races down the street,

but he doesn't pay any attention to it.

A squirrel notices him going past

but he doesn't even look at it.

He seems lost in thought,

It's almost as if he's sleepwalking.

The red lights start to blink,
The barrier comes down on either side.

A light approaches from far away,
It's moving towards him like the wind.

He doesn't feel anything anymore,
As the train knocks him out of its way.

Sometimes, Goodbye is a Second Chance

It feels weird.
My favorite season is just around the corner, and this is usually the best time of the year.
I've always loved winter, that feeling of cool air, of complete freshness; it's almost as if you can start a new life with every new day.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing,
Let mercy fall on me.
(Hillsong: Mighty To Save)

Winter holds some of the best-and some of the worst-memories.
It's like a whole new different with how refreshing everything is.

But instead, my migraines are getting worse.
The last time they got this bad was two years ago, which is why it's so strange.
I've gotten used to having a migraine all the time, but this is different.

On top of that, I'm too busy. I don't get a chance to sit down and relax properly anymore; but I knew that was going to happen when I took so many classes and worked so much-the whole point was to not have time to sit and reflect about life and everything.
Even with all that, I still get a chance to think; while I'm driving, or studying the same type of homework problems again and again.

The whole problem with having time to think is wondering what my plan is anymore.
It's always been the same; graduate, pay off my loans, and move back.
But I don't know if that's what I really want to do.
I've finally stayed in one place long enough to make good friends again, long enough to even start building my mini-library.
I used to have my own library, so having enough books to fill over four shelves is a major accomplishment.

I don't know anymore.
I'm not worrying about it or stressing or anything.
It's a really, really weird feeling to not have a plan for the future that's set in stone.

Maybe I'll travel a bit first; I've always wanted to go to Europe, Egypt, China, Turkey, Iran.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why,
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
(The Fray: Heaven Forbid)

Hope.

I had a dream last night.
You weren't in it.
It was a different face.
A new face, a face I didn't recognize.

I'm being patient.
God lets everything happen for the best.
But the new face?
It represents hope, and a new world of possibilities.

It's nice, to be able to smile, while hoping for the best.
It's amazing, to be able to sing along with my old favorite songs, and not see your face everywhere.
But, there is no true despair, without hope.
Even so, I'm not afraid. Life brings its challenges, and the only way to beat them is to meet them head-on.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.-Lao Tzu.

Back to being.. me. The Original Me.

I was going to write a post, and then almost decided not to.

I'm smiling again. The only change I've made is to pray more. I'm more thankful and have more.. I guess you could call it faith.. in everything. More faith that whatever will happen will for the best. More faith that I will get through everything. More faith that I don't need anyone except Allah. More faith that I can do this.

I was at a point where I thought I needed more friends, more people around me to help me.
That's not how life works.
Most people will be with you until they don't need you anymore.
I said that so many years ago, and it's true.

In Chemistry, half the class-actually half the class-borrows my stapler when they're turning their assignments. One girl said, 'you're like everyone's favorite person.'
'Only when they need me.'

I say most because there's some people who will still stick with you, not give up on you, and always be there for you. That's your family, and a few-few-awesome friends.

Not needing people doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to them. I still want to hang out with friends and have fun and everything. But I'm not going to text anyone first anymore. I feel like I'm annoying them-it makes me feel awkward and unwanted. And that feeling is what has brought me down these last two years. I've had enough of it. I'm not going to text my crush, my three best friends, or anyone else first. If you want me in your life, if you really value me, if you want to talk to me, then text me or message me or something. I want to talk to you. I don't know if you want to talk to me.

It's what my dad told me all the way through high school-trust family and almost no one else. Well, I trusted family, and family doesn't always have your back. Your parents and your siblings, yes. The rest? Maybe. And at times, even your siblings won't back you up. It took me time to learn-to experience for myself-what my dad told me.

That's why they say that parents are always right. Which reminds me-go and give your parents a hug & tell them you love them. They might think you're crazy if you've never done it before-some of you probably think it's crazy, but you'll learn and see for yourself someday.

I just hope it won't take you time and this thing called work hardening-which is a term for how blacksmiths beat metals with alloys to make them stronger-won't happen to you like it does to most people, and like it has to me.

So, I don't need anyone else except Allah. I said some time ago that I needed whoever was supposed to make me a better person, whoever she is, whatever her name is. I've realized that I don't need to be in a relationship to feel happy, to get through everything. I got used to being in a relationship. I'm in no rush to get into another one. Whenever the time is right, Allah will make it happen. I trust Allah.

So, Alhamdullilah. All we need is Allah.

A long overdue post. And the 365 Day Project, Day 13

Of faith, of life, of love.

You never know what's going to happen in life. You might know what you expect to happen, but there is no guarantee that something will definitely happen. Except, of course, death. Someone could die and people would be affected.
Anything is possible. In a good way and in a bad way. And there's no way of being prepared for everything in life. Except by accepting it and moving on.
I know I haven't written my usual randomly funny or filled-with-love posts in a long time. I've been thinking that I'm okay, that I'm over everything that has happened to me, and that I'm dealing with today. But I realized a few days ago that I actually haven't. I just thought I had, and that thought was part of my 'I never get surprised by anything' and 'I can deal with anything' part of me. What I didn't realize was that surprises are often good. It's more.. fun.. to not expect a surprise from your friends and then be surprised when you actually are surprised. Even if you're going to get cake on your face, your friends went through the trouble of doing something for you. Because they care about you. Oh, you may think different, that no one really cares, but they do. They just have their own ways of showing it.
But I'm not here to talk about surprises.
I'm here.. to talk about.. me. And I don't know.. where to begin.
Or where to continue from, really.

But I'll try. Because if I don't try, I'm not moving forward. And I can't embrace today's gifts if I'm still dealing with yesterday.

I'm not sure about the purpose of my life anymore. I thought I was here to make a change, a good change, to be a help when anyone needed me. These past few months, I haven't really felt like I've helped anyone.
And to me, that's what my life used to be about. That smile on that person's face and knowing that I put it there was all that I used to care about. And while I'm working to get a smile on many faces at the same time, I've realized something.
It's not as easy as I thought it would be. Oh, hey, nothing in life is easy, right?

So, right now, I'm twenty. I'm studying engineering. I'd rather be studying something fun, like political science, or human biology-did you know that the average human body has 206 bones?-but then, engineering is my challenge for myself. If I can graduate with a degree in engineering, I will have achieved something that I can really be proud of. That is something that will stay with me forever.

Can I call myself happy? I have a life to be thankful for. I have an amazing family (Alhamdullilah, thank God),  I'm studying at Rutgers University (Alhamdullilah, thank God), I have clothes to wear and food to eat (Alhamdullilah, thank God), and I live in an apartment (Alhamdullilah, thank God). I should call myself really happy.

But I'm not. I still love someone. I realized it two days ago. First love isn't something that just goes away. I've denied that I still love that person because I didn't see it that way. I didn't know that I still loved that person. And yet, I do. I'm not going to get her. But that doesn't stop me from loving her. That doesn't stop me from praying for the best for her. I'm happy for her and the person she's with. And I hope that they stay happy forever, InshaAllah, Ameen.

And now that I've admitted that, I can live with myself. Because I may not be the happiest or the most thankful person around, but I do my best to stay honest, to stay hard-working, to stay me.

God alone knows what will happen in life.
All I know is that I will do my best with whatever I have.

That's my aunt's cat, yes. Her name is 'Hello Kitty'. My aunt's cat's name is Hello Kitty, yes. Not my aunt's name.

Email # 2 of 2: Of faith

I still go with everything that I say after this. I sent this email to my best friend around more than a year ago.


I was depressed pehle, you know?
With all the parents/financial/choosing my career stuff going on, I was nearly going out of my mind. But. I talk to Allah every day, you know? And I've found....that no matter what, He's ALWAYS there. You can't hear Him talk back-you don't see Him-but you get the feeling in your heart that He's up there and listening to you, you know what i mean?


Try it....it makes me cry every time I do it, but it keeps me going everyday. No matter what, I know that this world is just a trial for us. Nothing matters except that we follow the Quran and the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet. After all, the Quran had Allah's commands to us, right?


We go to paradise if we obey those, right? Grades....mean nothing. Other people's taunts...mean nothing. Money....means nothing. Pain....even migraines...mean nothing. All that matters is doing the right thing in Islam. I may sound like a religious guy or whatever, but you've known me...you know i was always carefree half the time and dead serious the other half.


Now i'm always calm and thoughtful more. I haven't spoken this much for ages, I was SO afraid that I was retreating into myself, you know?
I haven't been hyper for months now. But I realized....it's all part of a bigger plan. We're all part of a bigger plan. There's nothing out there that can harm you as long as you say the Ayat-ul-kursi after every namaz and do that which is right. Keep your parents smiling, forget everyone else. My brothers may be annoying as hell, they may not get any reprimands from my parents when they bug the hell out of me, but I still love them. I can't imagine life without them. I just want them to grow up and be good people. I don't ignore them when they get annoying, I glare at them or throw a pillow or something. Or maybe raise my voice...but yeah.


We're all part of one brotherhood, and if our own family doesn't stand up for us, then who will? Not our friends. Not our distant relatives. Allah says to take care of our parents and families RIGHT AFTER He gives us the command to worship Him and remember that He is the One and Only God. Can you imagine how big a command that is?


I can't...Allah created us. Can you imagine that? There are BILLIONS of galazies out there. Every one has TRILLIONS of stars. Can you imagine that? It made me feel SO SMALL. And the worries we have....like grades and all...are nothing.


There are people who think of their kids. Where they may be. If they can find food tomorrow. If they will be alive tomorrow. If they should have been nicer to their family member in the last words they spoke to them before their accident. Imagine THAT for one second.