I-We can do this.

I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.

Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.

It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.

My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.

I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.

And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.

I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.

I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.

Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?

Please help me, Allah.

I don't know what I'm doing these days. I'm busy all the time; if I get some free time, I'm usually trying to relax my mind or trying to get some rest.
It feels.. Good.. To be busy all the time. To have something to do, to not have to think and worry. But I still worry-I have OCD, I spent a few hours this week trying to find ways that other people found that helps them relax, that helps them not constantly worry.
The way one person put it, if you touched a glass and someone told you that the glass has some disease that you'll catch unless you wash your hands, once you wash your hands, you won't think about the disease or worry about it. If that happened to someone with OCD, they'll still think about it, they'll keep washing their hands, and they'll still feel like something is wrong.
That's how I've been feeling this week. It was a nice week; I got good grades, I spent almost all of it studying and starting a new routine of going to the gym at 5 in the morning, some friends and my mom had their birthday this week too. A normal person would be happy and relax, probably would have taken today out to relax and play video games or watch TV  What did I do? I studied some more. I went online on Facebook and looked up my posts and messages from the last time I felt so sad and worried.

And you know what I found? That I can still.. Feel. Not like the normal tired and happy and all those feelings, this was the old me, the one who felt every little thing ten times more. When my best friend didn't show up to Skype with me this Saturday and didn't say anything about it, something we had planned for a week and reminded each other, I felt horrible. When none of my friends whom I talk to every day texted me first this weekend, I felt terrible. Like I had said or done something to offend them. And I asked them all, and they all said everything was cool. So I wondered, am I doing something wrong? Is the way that I talk and joke and laugh and tease people wrong?
When we took my mom out for a birthday dinner for an adults' night out (feels awesome to be called an adult now), I felt really happy and relaxed. Everyone wanted to know why I was laughing and smiling so much since I had been so quiet all weekend. I simply pointed out that I was usually texting my friends and I wasn't on my phone at all this time.
When my brothers decided to pick a fight with me, I got even more angry and still managed to remind myself not to argue back. I laughed instead.

I felt that my car was dirty, so I cleaned it and made it spotless. I cut my hair, I wanted to change myself, to be different. I still felt worried, and wanted to ask my mom if I was a bad person, cause that's HOW I FEEL right now. That I go around and bug people to the extent that they hate me and they want me to go away. That's how I feel when people whom I talk to everyday stop talking to me.

So I decided something. I'm not going to go around and make friends with people and have them ignore me again. I changed schools from Bay View to Lyceum, and those friends eventually stopped talking to me. I moved to Dallas and made friends at Richland, and the same thing happened with those friends. I went back to Karachi and taught at Bay View and made even more friends, and even they stopped talking to me.
After that came the big move where I went alone to New Jersey. I made a whole lot of friends there, and until last week, we still talked a lot.
Now I'm back in Dallas. New school. New job. And for all my 'deciding', I'm still unsure. I'm tired of being hurt, of being attached, of getting used to people talking to me all day and then stopping suddenly. The only things I hate the most are when people lie to me and when they ignore me-and not replying to a text for hours cause they didn't feel like it counts as ignoring. If anyone has a problem with me, they can tell me. I'd love to know what people think of me as a person, as a friend.
I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me. I was trying to explain to my mom how I felt sitting in her car when it had some dirt on it, and she said I was 'Dimagh kharab'-that is how I feel I am. That I am defective, that there is something wrong with me, and I would just like to know how I can change it and how I can improve myself.

I said good night to my parents an hour ago, and yet I'm still up writing this. Because like I said, I feel terrible, and it's not going to go away anytime soon.
I loved my year at Rutgers. It was super busy, I was working more than full time and studying full time too. I wasn't dependent on anyone, I didn't worry even half as much as I do now. I think I miss that feeling more than anything else. Of not worrying about what I said wrong. About not feeling so dead inside.
My dad always told me that family comes first. He was right, it does, and that's what I'm going to focus on more now. I love each and every one of my friends, I don't intend to cause them any hurt or damage, and that's why I feel even more strongly about everything, because to every single one of them, I give without asking for anything in return. I've stayed up hours to help friends, not getting sleep and having a test or work in the morning. I've woken up at 4 AM because a friend was at a hospital for a family member and needed someone to talk to. I'll do anything for my family and friends-I don't ask that they do anything for me in return. I don't expect anything in return.

I'm not complaining. I am so blessed to have everything that I do. I'd just like to know what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe I'm just over reacting to everything. But considering how none of my old friends talk to me anymore, I feel I'm the one who's doing something wrong. I'd just like to know what.

......

This ain't nothing
Nothing but a goodbye town
These streets are only bringing me down
Gotta find a way to finally get out
Out of this goodbye town

365 Day Project, Day 148

Exams should just.. not exist.

365 Day Project, Day 136

Had an interesting uninvited visitor, among the 83,000 who came to Rutgers today.

Karachi-365 Day Project, Day 100

I've been studying all day, and I can't focus. I know what I'm learning and how to solve the problems, but I keep staring off into the distance, and there's this.. feeling.. inside me.. that I don't want to be here.
If you do it right,
you'll love where you are.
Jason Mraz-93 Million Miles

I want to be in Karachi. I want to be with my parents, with my brothers, teaching at my old high school, driving to school, worrying about stuff like the heat and my headaches instead of being here and stressing over finances for next year, migraines, and why I feel so sad all the time.

I'm not wishing for anything here. I'm thankful for everything that I've been given. I just.. want to be in two places at once. I love learning here. I don't like the studying part, but the learning? It's so.. incredible.. how there's so much more to this world than what we see around us. There's stuff happening that we have no idea about. Flowers and bees, elements and valence shells, emergencies and 10-1's, I could keep on going and going.
I also love Karachi. I love the heat, the humidity, the traffic, the no-speed-limit, unlimited texting packages, opportunities for endless laughter..

Someone who laughs too much is lonely inside, someone who speaks less but speaks fast keeps secrets, someone who gets angry easily needs love..

I still laugh. At times. But not as much as I used to. Now, I usually laugh at comedy scenes in movies (I watch like one every month or so if I'm lucky), on skype with my family, or with friends-and I rarely get time to spend with friends.

But.. I'm not.. me.

365 Day Project, Day 98

Chasing the sun.

365 Day Project, Day 96

Sleet, rain, and snow.

365 Day Project, Day 91

Chocolate cravings. Had to stop myself from eating it.

365 Day Project, Day 90

Rain :)

365 Day Project, Day 87

I feel like throwing up.
It's just cause I'm tired and I have a migraine. So Imma go to sleep now.

Too tired.

Amazing how all the snow melted so soon.

365 Day Project, Day 62, and life update

First edited/two-in-one picture.
Snow melted in just one day.

So I've been having migraines these last five days.
Driving me crazy, so I went to see a doctor today, and she changed my medicines. Hope this works.

And she said that I've been stressing out, which is to be expected with working three jobs and studying in university.

I miss home. I love how much it rains here, but home has it's own thing.
And skyping with my parents today made me miss them even more.

I'm really thankful for everything that I have, and I thought that being thankful made you happy.
I guess I am happy.. just tired.

365 Day Project, Day 61

Rain, fog, and leftover snow.

365 Day Project, Day 58

Blue eyes.

Email # 2 of 2: Of faith

I still go with everything that I say after this. I sent this email to my best friend around more than a year ago.


I was depressed pehle, you know?
With all the parents/financial/choosing my career stuff going on, I was nearly going out of my mind. But. I talk to Allah every day, you know? And I've found....that no matter what, He's ALWAYS there. You can't hear Him talk back-you don't see Him-but you get the feeling in your heart that He's up there and listening to you, you know what i mean?


Try it....it makes me cry every time I do it, but it keeps me going everyday. No matter what, I know that this world is just a trial for us. Nothing matters except that we follow the Quran and the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet. After all, the Quran had Allah's commands to us, right?


We go to paradise if we obey those, right? Grades....mean nothing. Other people's taunts...mean nothing. Money....means nothing. Pain....even migraines...mean nothing. All that matters is doing the right thing in Islam. I may sound like a religious guy or whatever, but you've known me...you know i was always carefree half the time and dead serious the other half.


Now i'm always calm and thoughtful more. I haven't spoken this much for ages, I was SO afraid that I was retreating into myself, you know?
I haven't been hyper for months now. But I realized....it's all part of a bigger plan. We're all part of a bigger plan. There's nothing out there that can harm you as long as you say the Ayat-ul-kursi after every namaz and do that which is right. Keep your parents smiling, forget everyone else. My brothers may be annoying as hell, they may not get any reprimands from my parents when they bug the hell out of me, but I still love them. I can't imagine life without them. I just want them to grow up and be good people. I don't ignore them when they get annoying, I glare at them or throw a pillow or something. Or maybe raise my voice...but yeah.


We're all part of one brotherhood, and if our own family doesn't stand up for us, then who will? Not our friends. Not our distant relatives. Allah says to take care of our parents and families RIGHT AFTER He gives us the command to worship Him and remember that He is the One and Only God. Can you imagine how big a command that is?


I can't...Allah created us. Can you imagine that? There are BILLIONS of galazies out there. Every one has TRILLIONS of stars. Can you imagine that? It made me feel SO SMALL. And the worries we have....like grades and all...are nothing.


There are people who think of their kids. Where they may be. If they can find food tomorrow. If they will be alive tomorrow. If they should have been nicer to their family member in the last words they spoke to them before their accident. Imagine THAT for one second.

Ya Qalbi

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye



Do you believe in love at first sight?
I do.
It happened to me, so that's how I believe.
I still remember meeting The One Who Leaves Me Breathless in August, 2008.
I was so speechless that all that came out was a 'Hi.'
Even though I was newly-crowned Head Boy at that time.
Love that memory.


I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye


AND I was runner-up to Tay Tay on Juliet's photography competition. Can't believe she beat me-I took a picture of my baby cousin since I don't have one of Aral & Ayza yet soo I sent that in.
It feels good.


Here's the competition page: A Purple Sky

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before

The title, by the way, is Arabic for 'my heart.'

Since I couldn't find an Arabic word that relates to what's on my mind most.

And what's on my mind most is The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.

And she has my heart.

Whichever way she keeps it, whether she breaks it, or whatever, that's up to her.

So my title makes sense to you, right?

*Gives intimidating look*

Yes. Good. Glad we're on good terms.

Domino

This is the least I've ever blogged.. in ages.
I've been busy, yes.
Sleeping, trying to fight off migraines, going to the doctor, giving tuitions, studying, and messing with my iPhone.

I was feeling down the other day and this boy made my day. His name is Zidane and he's three years old.
He's one of my favorite three year old kids.

I'm supposed to be at my university by September 2nd. Provided that they give me admission, God willing.

In other news, I can finally go more than ten minutes without thinking of The One Who Leaves Me Breathless.



Someday, you'll find someone special again. People who've been in love usually do. It's in their nature.


Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.

Buy You A Drank

I feel sick.

Totally sick.

But.

I am trying to smile.

Why?

Because I made it today. That's a good enough reason to smile.

Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say

Tonight you just close your eyes
and I just watch you
slip away
How close am I to losing you

Broken Yet Holding On

I can see you walking out, I'm not tryna believe it 
There's no way that this can be for real, I'm dreaming 
I can see the water in your eyes, you don't have to do this 
There has got to be a better way, i know it 
Back up the day now 
What did i do to get us to this point 
Me losing you in this moment 
I feel it, deep in my chest i can't breathe 
I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you, to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on 

Afraid everything is over now 
The rain clouds is passing 
Still I'm tryna wonder how i lost you 
Are you really over me? You said so, don't believe it 
You were where i wanna be 
I love you 

Back up the day now 
What did i do to get us to this point 
Me losing you in this moment 
I feel it, deep in my chest i can't breathe 

I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on 
We said, we'll never give up 
In hard times, when we hit bottom 
We'll try to find the broken pieces of love (pieces of love) 
ooh oohh 

I can't let go, broken yet holding on 
To you to us, this love is too strong for me to let go 
Broken yet holding on

You leave me.. breathless.

I've tried playing it coolBut when I'm looking at youI can't ever be brave'Cause you make my heart race

I am very exhausted and on the verge on depression, so I'll keep this short.

Shot me out of the skyYou're my KryptoniteYou keep making me weakYeah, frozen and can't breathe

I've been super busy and been feeling sick on and off.

Something's gotta give nowCause I'm dying just to make you seeThat I need you here with me nowCause you've got that one thing

And sleeping a whole lot too.

So get out, get out, get out of my headAnd fall into my arms insteadI don't, I don't, don't know what it isBut I need that one thingAnd you've got that one thing

The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, I love you.

Now I'm climbing the wallsBut you don't notice at allThat I'm going out of my mindAll day and all night

I went to the Children's Cancer Hospital today and it went.. well.
This time, I met patients who were from one to sixteen years old.
Here are some pictures from there.

So get out, get out, get out of my headAnd fall into my arms insteadI don't, I don't, don't know what it isBut I need that one thingAnd you've got that one thing

Right. I am off to sleep.

So get out, get out, get out of my mindAnd come on, come into my lifeI don't, I don't, don't know what it isBut I need that one thingAnd you've got that one thing