It feels.. Good.. To be busy all the time. To have something to do, to not have to think and worry. But I still worry-I have OCD, I spent a few hours this week trying to find ways that other people found that helps them relax, that helps them not constantly worry.
The way one person put it, if you touched a glass and someone told you that the glass has some disease that you'll catch unless you wash your hands, once you wash your hands, you won't think about the disease or worry about it. If that happened to someone with OCD, they'll still think about it, they'll keep washing their hands, and they'll still feel like something is wrong.
That's how I've been feeling this week. It was a nice week; I got good grades, I spent almost all of it studying and starting a new routine of going to the gym at 5 in the morning, some friends and my mom had their birthday this week too. A normal person would be happy and relax, probably would have taken today out to relax and play video games or watch TV What did I do? I studied some more. I went online on Facebook and looked up my posts and messages from the last time I felt so sad and worried.
And you know what I found? That I can still.. Feel. Not like the normal tired and happy and all those feelings, this was the old me, the one who felt every little thing ten times more. When my best friend didn't show up to Skype with me this Saturday and didn't say anything about it, something we had planned for a week and reminded each other, I felt horrible. When none of my friends whom I talk to every day texted me first this weekend, I felt terrible. Like I had said or done something to offend them. And I asked them all, and they all said everything was cool. So I wondered, am I doing something wrong? Is the way that I talk and joke and laugh and tease people wrong?
When we took my mom out for a birthday dinner for an adults' night out (feels awesome to be called an adult now), I felt really happy and relaxed. Everyone wanted to know why I was laughing and smiling so much since I had been so quiet all weekend. I simply pointed out that I was usually texting my friends and I wasn't on my phone at all this time.
When my brothers decided to pick a fight with me, I got even more angry and still managed to remind myself not to argue back. I laughed instead.
I felt that my car was dirty, so I cleaned it and made it spotless. I cut my hair, I wanted to change myself, to be different. I still felt worried, and wanted to ask my mom if I was a bad person, cause that's HOW I FEEL right now. That I go around and bug people to the extent that they hate me and they want me to go away. That's how I feel when people whom I talk to everyday stop talking to me.
So I decided something. I'm not going to go around and make friends with people and have them ignore me again. I changed schools from Bay View to Lyceum, and those friends eventually stopped talking to me. I moved to Dallas and made friends at Richland, and the same thing happened with those friends. I went back to Karachi and taught at Bay View and made even more friends, and even they stopped talking to me.
After that came the big move where I went alone to New Jersey. I made a whole lot of friends there, and until last week, we still talked a lot.
Now I'm back in Dallas. New school. New job. And for all my 'deciding', I'm still unsure. I'm tired of being hurt, of being attached, of getting used to people talking to me all day and then stopping suddenly. The only things I hate the most are when people lie to me and when they ignore me-and not replying to a text for hours cause they didn't feel like it counts as ignoring. If anyone has a problem with me, they can tell me. I'd love to know what people think of me as a person, as a friend.
I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me. I was trying to explain to my mom how I felt sitting in her car when it had some dirt on it, and she said I was 'Dimagh kharab'-that is how I feel I am. That I am defective, that there is something wrong with me, and I would just like to know how I can change it and how I can improve myself.
I said good night to my parents an hour ago, and yet I'm still up writing this. Because like I said, I feel terrible, and it's not going to go away anytime soon.
I loved my year at Rutgers. It was super busy, I was working more than full time and studying full time too. I wasn't dependent on anyone, I didn't worry even half as much as I do now. I think I miss that feeling more than anything else. Of not worrying about what I said wrong. About not feeling so dead inside.
My dad always told me that family comes first. He was right, it does, and that's what I'm going to focus on more now. I love each and every one of my friends, I don't intend to cause them any hurt or damage, and that's why I feel even more strongly about everything, because to every single one of them, I give without asking for anything in return. I've stayed up hours to help friends, not getting sleep and having a test or work in the morning. I've woken up at 4 AM because a friend was at a hospital for a family member and needed someone to talk to. I'll do anything for my family and friends-I don't ask that they do anything for me in return. I don't expect anything in return.
I'm not complaining. I am so blessed to have everything that I do. I'd just like to know what I'm doing wrong.
Maybe I'm just over reacting to everything. But considering how none of my old friends talk to me anymore, I feel I'm the one who's doing something wrong. I'd just like to know what.
