Sometimes, Goodbye is a Second Chance

It feels weird.
My favorite season is just around the corner, and this is usually the best time of the year.
I've always loved winter, that feeling of cool air, of complete freshness; it's almost as if you can start a new life with every new day.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing,
Let mercy fall on me.
(Hillsong: Mighty To Save)

Winter holds some of the best-and some of the worst-memories.
It's like a whole new different with how refreshing everything is.

But instead, my migraines are getting worse.
The last time they got this bad was two years ago, which is why it's so strange.
I've gotten used to having a migraine all the time, but this is different.

On top of that, I'm too busy. I don't get a chance to sit down and relax properly anymore; but I knew that was going to happen when I took so many classes and worked so much-the whole point was to not have time to sit and reflect about life and everything.
Even with all that, I still get a chance to think; while I'm driving, or studying the same type of homework problems again and again.

The whole problem with having time to think is wondering what my plan is anymore.
It's always been the same; graduate, pay off my loans, and move back.
But I don't know if that's what I really want to do.
I've finally stayed in one place long enough to make good friends again, long enough to even start building my mini-library.
I used to have my own library, so having enough books to fill over four shelves is a major accomplishment.

I don't know anymore.
I'm not worrying about it or stressing or anything.
It's a really, really weird feeling to not have a plan for the future that's set in stone.

Maybe I'll travel a bit first; I've always wanted to go to Europe, Egypt, China, Turkey, Iran.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why,
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
(The Fray: Heaven Forbid)

Her.

So I was totally tired with a migraine and thinking about how everyone usually has someone in their life whom they trust with everything and anything and have someone they can always rely on.

Of course, Allah is always here to listen to us.

And then I listening to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You, and I was thinking of Aral and Ayza.

Before I meet them, there's a girl somewhere on this planet that I'm going to marry, InshaAllah.

I don't know her name, and I don't know if I've even met her yet.

But, I ask Allah to make sure she has an awesome Eid.
And to always bless her and do whatever is best for her.
And, of course, to always keep her happy and smiling.

Please help me, Allah.

I don't know what I'm doing these days. I'm busy all the time; if I get some free time, I'm usually trying to relax my mind or trying to get some rest.
It feels.. Good.. To be busy all the time. To have something to do, to not have to think and worry. But I still worry-I have OCD, I spent a few hours this week trying to find ways that other people found that helps them relax, that helps them not constantly worry.
The way one person put it, if you touched a glass and someone told you that the glass has some disease that you'll catch unless you wash your hands, once you wash your hands, you won't think about the disease or worry about it. If that happened to someone with OCD, they'll still think about it, they'll keep washing their hands, and they'll still feel like something is wrong.
That's how I've been feeling this week. It was a nice week; I got good grades, I spent almost all of it studying and starting a new routine of going to the gym at 5 in the morning, some friends and my mom had their birthday this week too. A normal person would be happy and relax, probably would have taken today out to relax and play video games or watch TV  What did I do? I studied some more. I went online on Facebook and looked up my posts and messages from the last time I felt so sad and worried.

And you know what I found? That I can still.. Feel. Not like the normal tired and happy and all those feelings, this was the old me, the one who felt every little thing ten times more. When my best friend didn't show up to Skype with me this Saturday and didn't say anything about it, something we had planned for a week and reminded each other, I felt horrible. When none of my friends whom I talk to every day texted me first this weekend, I felt terrible. Like I had said or done something to offend them. And I asked them all, and they all said everything was cool. So I wondered, am I doing something wrong? Is the way that I talk and joke and laugh and tease people wrong?
When we took my mom out for a birthday dinner for an adults' night out (feels awesome to be called an adult now), I felt really happy and relaxed. Everyone wanted to know why I was laughing and smiling so much since I had been so quiet all weekend. I simply pointed out that I was usually texting my friends and I wasn't on my phone at all this time.
When my brothers decided to pick a fight with me, I got even more angry and still managed to remind myself not to argue back. I laughed instead.

I felt that my car was dirty, so I cleaned it and made it spotless. I cut my hair, I wanted to change myself, to be different. I still felt worried, and wanted to ask my mom if I was a bad person, cause that's HOW I FEEL right now. That I go around and bug people to the extent that they hate me and they want me to go away. That's how I feel when people whom I talk to everyday stop talking to me.

So I decided something. I'm not going to go around and make friends with people and have them ignore me again. I changed schools from Bay View to Lyceum, and those friends eventually stopped talking to me. I moved to Dallas and made friends at Richland, and the same thing happened with those friends. I went back to Karachi and taught at Bay View and made even more friends, and even they stopped talking to me.
After that came the big move where I went alone to New Jersey. I made a whole lot of friends there, and until last week, we still talked a lot.
Now I'm back in Dallas. New school. New job. And for all my 'deciding', I'm still unsure. I'm tired of being hurt, of being attached, of getting used to people talking to me all day and then stopping suddenly. The only things I hate the most are when people lie to me and when they ignore me-and not replying to a text for hours cause they didn't feel like it counts as ignoring. If anyone has a problem with me, they can tell me. I'd love to know what people think of me as a person, as a friend.
I don't know. I feel like something is wrong with me. I was trying to explain to my mom how I felt sitting in her car when it had some dirt on it, and she said I was 'Dimagh kharab'-that is how I feel I am. That I am defective, that there is something wrong with me, and I would just like to know how I can change it and how I can improve myself.

I said good night to my parents an hour ago, and yet I'm still up writing this. Because like I said, I feel terrible, and it's not going to go away anytime soon.
I loved my year at Rutgers. It was super busy, I was working more than full time and studying full time too. I wasn't dependent on anyone, I didn't worry even half as much as I do now. I think I miss that feeling more than anything else. Of not worrying about what I said wrong. About not feeling so dead inside.
My dad always told me that family comes first. He was right, it does, and that's what I'm going to focus on more now. I love each and every one of my friends, I don't intend to cause them any hurt or damage, and that's why I feel even more strongly about everything, because to every single one of them, I give without asking for anything in return. I've stayed up hours to help friends, not getting sleep and having a test or work in the morning. I've woken up at 4 AM because a friend was at a hospital for a family member and needed someone to talk to. I'll do anything for my family and friends-I don't ask that they do anything for me in return. I don't expect anything in return.

I'm not complaining. I am so blessed to have everything that I do. I'd just like to know what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe I'm just over reacting to everything. But considering how none of my old friends talk to me anymore, I feel I'm the one who's doing something wrong. I'd just like to know what.

365 Day Project, Day 87

I feel like throwing up.
It's just cause I'm tired and I have a migraine. So Imma go to sleep now.

Too tired.

Amazing how all the snow melted so soon.

I'm lost without you

Perfect title, I tell you.

My head hurts. Oh, so badly. I had a dream last night that I would have a horrible horrible migraine and no one to help, not even The One Who Leaves ME Breathless, and it turned out to happen today.

My dreams, I tell you. They come true so often..
Like this teacher at school. I dreamt on a Thursday that he wouldn't come on a Friday. I told him about it and checked that he was feeling okay and everything. He ended up not coming and having fever on Friday morning.

Anyway.
Thank you so much to Areesha at Me, Myself, and I and Arfa Ezazi at Chatterings of a drunk butterfly.
They made me smile when I was trying to cope with the annoying depression that comes with a migraine.

That was basically the highlight of today.
Apart from missing The One Who Leaves Me Breathless so much.

You made my depression go away with just one simple text. You really are everything good in my life.

Oh, and I don't have my laptop's charger, I forgot it in school. I forget things when I have a migraine.. So I'm using my brother's laptop. And I can't fight this migraine much longer, so I'm going to go try to eat. I feel like puking. And I haven't slept more than an hour. I couldn't, my head hurt so much..

Oh girl,
You stand by me,
I'm forever yours.. faithfully.

And I will try.. to fix you.

I just woke up and I feel so, so, so horrible.

It's not my migraine. I just feel so empty and so tired of everything and so sad.

My migraine finally ended; I crashed while reading something The One Who Leaves Me Breathless had written. It was really interesting, but I was just so tired.

Yes, I've had a migraine since 4pm. Which means that I got some rest between my migraines, so I can take them.. But I just kept forgetting stuff all day. I forgot that it was one of my favorite teachers' birthday yesterday. I forgot that I had to talk to people at school. I forgot to remind dad to help me fix the car.

Sigh.

My brother had his basketball quarter final today. Our school won. :)

And on the way back, I saw this ambulance going through heavy traffic, and it reminded me of Eid a few years ago.. We were in Gulshan at 8ish, visiting a few relatives. And we were stuck in a traffic jam caused by this one guy in a van who was blocking the road by going the wrong way. And this ambulance stopped right next to us, and couldn't move because of bumper to bumper traffic. And the van guy was arguing with people from the cars in front of him. This boy.. around eighteen or maybe nineteen.. got out of the ambulance, ran all the way to the van and yelled at the guy from the van and got him to move.

The way that he ran was as if his life depended on it. And since I just had a nightmare of The One Who Leaves Me Breathless being hurt, wouldn't it be so sad if the person in the ambulance was the one who left that boy breathless? I never found out whether the ambulance reached in time. But I really hope it did.

I'm depressed right now, yes.

My migraines won't go away. Medicines don't work. Kalonji doesn't work. I can't sleep half the time.
I'm not depressed about getting them. I'm depressed that they still hurt as much as they always did, and sometimes they hurt more. I can't eat when I have a migraine now, I force myself to, so I can stay functional.

And even The One Who Leaves Me Breathless can't stop the migraines or lessen the pain by much anymore.

I know many of you worry about me and migraines. It's something I live with, and doctors can't change. Unless she does. But my mom gets them too. Hers are less frequent and shorter, she gets to take stronger medicine which doesn't work anyway.

I love you guys. You, who reads my blog and then comments. You, who prays for the two of us. You, who used to read such happy and funny posts from me until they turned sad again. I haven't felt this sad since my best friends left me. She's asleep, so I have no way to heal.

I have a new best friend. She's The One Who Leaves Me Breathless. I trust her like I trust no one else. She's the one I turn to whenever I need anything. And she's the one who stays with me no matter what. I really really really love you.

Aah. I can feel my migraine coming back. So I'm going to crash again. :(

Sigh. Have a great weekend, everyone!

If I counted a star for every reason that I love you, I would. But I ran out of stars the other night. This smile is for you.

Somebody's Me

You touch these tired eyes of mine

And map my face out line by line.

I've had a migraine for three days now. I get like a few hours of rest in between, so I don't need to go to the ICU.. Yet..

I used to ask God why I get migraines. Now, I think I deserve them. Every time it lessens, I check if I can think clearly. And after a minute or two, the pain returns more than before, like it's knocking on the doors to remind me that it's still there.

I'm thankful that it's migraines and not something worse.

Yeah, my head hurts really badly and so everything else does too, especially my heart.

Soo I was talking about grandparents. And I remembered how I sent my first every e-card to anyone to my grandfather back when I was in seventh grade, which had this old guy dancing, turning around, and pulling his trousers down to find that he has happy birthday written on his butt.

I went to the corner.. where I first saw her.. today. And I really want to upload the pictures I took of the place. Sounds exactly like The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script.

This is a short post, yes.

My wish, for you..

I feel like jumping off a building. Only I don't have the energy to get up and walk all the way to the top.

Which is probably what saved my life today.

Sigh.

I have a horrible migraine. Haven't had such a bad one in months..

And it started off with too much work and then being made to feel so worthless and unloved.. and not having anyone to help..

I love you.

Somebody dreams about you every single night

Meray yaar, meray dost

Meree kainaat mudhosh..

I'm listening to really slow and sad music so that my migraine goes away.

It's a horrible one..

And I had to cancel meeting up with two friends this weekend so that I can sleep.

Which sucks, since I haven't seen them in over a year.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.

And I would have stayed up with you all night, Had I known how to save a life.

Aah, my head hurts.

I saw a cloud, and thought it was a sky

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow

But it was You who taught that bird to follow.

She just asked me to smile.. El Oh El. Here's your smile --> =)

I close my eyes, and I smile,

Knowing that everything is alright

To the core.

I love you. My God, I just love you.

You just made me feel so much better.
You took my migraines away.
And this is just perfect to describe what I'm feeling right now.


Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you're everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You still my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?