Drowning

It's like something that's fragile, but stronger than anything else in the world. It's like a feather that the wind can blow away, but a feather that is heavier than mountains.

I'm turning 22 in a day. I expected to have graduated by now. I expected to be back in Pakistan. It's funny how life blows all your expectations out of the water, how everything changes so suddenly, how every single plan is completely destroyed. I've given up on having any plans for the future anymore. It's back to taking life one day at a time.

It's a really weird feeling to give up. I've always had this voice in my head that kept me going, that always said that God knows best and to keep trying, to keep throwing myself at everything until it was done. I can't hear that voice anymore. The faith in God is still there, thankfully. But without that voice, it's as if I've given up caring. Like nothing matters anymore.

The last time I gave up caring about anything, I stood a knife's edge away from death. It's a different sensation this time; like I'm free of any obligations, but I can focus more on the stuff that really matters. It's like being out of a cage that I've been trapped inside.

I don't care anymore. Why should I?

The shadows lengthen as he walks down the sidewalk,

It's past midnight, and there's almost no one around.

He walks calmly and slowly,

as if there isn't anything to worry about.

A car races down the street,

but he doesn't pay any attention to it.

A squirrel notices him going past

but he doesn't even look at it.

He seems lost in thought,

It's almost as if he's sleepwalking.

The red lights start to blink,
The barrier comes down on either side.

A light approaches from far away,
It's moving towards him like the wind.

He doesn't feel anything anymore,
As the train knocks him out of its way.

365 Day Project, Day 147

Everyone loves Frosted Flakes. Right?

Oompa loompa, dooba di doo

Dum de dum.
I wonder how many posts I've started with that.
Probably a lot.
Or maybe very few.
Anyway.
Not to deviate from the point.
Which is ironic, since there was no point to begin with.
I just felt like writing.
Totally tired and sleepy, but yeah, feel like writing.
Cause I haven't written anything long and random (which is pretty much exactly the way I speak) in a while.
And yes, I write the exact same way that I talk.
Like, you could be talking to me, and this is exact how I would be speaking.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah. I feel like writing.

She pushes the shovel into the fresh soil with her right foot and starts making a hole.
Her younger brother of nine years joins in and they work on digging a hole together.
The girl is eleven.
An even younger brother runs out with a smaller shovel.
He's seven, but he wants to help, and they let him join in.
A five year old girl walks toward them with two large dogs jumping around her.

I'll leave it to everyone to figure out who the characters are.

I try to do at least one crazy thing every day.
So, yesterday, I sang, 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight' at the top of my voice in a crowded dining hall. It was a tiny bit embarrassing when everyone turned to look at me and didn't join in or laugh, but I hope I made someone's day. And my two friends who dared me to do it ditched me instead of standing right behind me. But yeah, it was fun, and it still feels good.

And I'm going to keep editing this post and add pictures to this post for a few days so people see this update first. :)

This tool could have saved me hours of my life.

Breathlessness

This is a post about love and life, pain and death.


I'm falling even more in love with you 
Letting go of all I've held onto 
I'm standing here until you make me move 
I'm hanging by a moment here with you 
I'm living for the only thing I know 
I'm running and not quite sure where to go 
And I don't know what I'm diving into 
Just hanging by a moment here with you 


The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, this picture is for you.

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Love requires a different kind of courage. People fear surrender. They are proud and resistant. They will fight to the death for what they believe in. They will struggle to conquer. Love is not about conquest. The truth is a man can only find true love when he surrenders to it. When he opens his heart to the partner of his soul and says that it is your to nurture or destroy.

True, much?

Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Save your heart
For someone who leaves you breathless
And I know that you're scared
Seems like someone said you had it in you
All along you said you knew this was wrong
But still worth dying for


The thing about loving someone is that it feels like I've been living in the darkness of night all my life and it's like the sun has risen when I see The One Who Leaves Me Breathless. Like an invisible fist has punched my chest and knocked the breath out of me. Like my tongue is joined to the roof my mouth and I can't say anything, I'm totally speechless. It's like a fire inside you that no one can put out. A fire that gives you hope. A fire that gives you a reason to pick yourself up, admit your mistakes, accept things better, and move on with life.

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight.

A falling star

Least I fall alone.

The walls start breathing

My mind's unweaving

Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

A weight is lifted

On this evening

I give the final blow.

But no matter what happens, you can get hurt if you love someone. Even if they hurt you totally unintentionally. And that raises the question, is it worth falling in love if you keep getting hurt again and again?

It only hurts when your eyes are open

Lies get tossed and truth is spoken

It only hurts when that door gets open

Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

On the other hand, you need to open your heart if you are alone.

Where are you and I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This strange creeping darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time.

I've had one main fear these past month. That because of how I felt, because of how strongly I felt, I would ruin everything.

I dream about you all the time

this is my December 
this is my time of the year 
this is my December 
this is all so clear.


This is my seventieth post with The One Who Leaves Me Breathless having her own tag.


I find it awesome. Why? It just feels that way.


What's going on these days? Exams. I had my first ever invigilation today. And I'll let something out here and only here.
I was nervous during it.
No idea why.
Probably thought I'd mess up somehow.


Guess what?
I didn't mess up. Feels so unbelievably good.


Which reminds me. The teachers at my school have an annual badminton tournament. And it started today. So wish me luck :)


And exams remind me of one more thing. Yeah, we all hate teachers who pick on us and are strict or whose teaching styles we don't understand. But all those teachers put in soo much effort that as of yesterday, after watching them work on their exam papers and make it easier and smoother to have the exams, I respect every single one of them.


Yeah, I respected them already, but now it's like.. Like I understand why those teachers are like the way they are. I don't think I'm making sense, but the feeling makes sense to me, so (Y).


Cause when I needed a place to hang my heart
You were there to wear it from the start
And with every breath of me, you'll be the only light I see


I went to my doctor last week and got a new medicine. It is TINY. And it's supposed to take two weeks before it starts working properly.
But today is Day Twelve of this migraine.
There's only one person-yes, The One Who Leaves Me Breathless-who keeps me going.
I love you, you awesome person.

Tay Tay at My love/hate relationship with the world had a competition a long time ago where she gave us two prompts and we could write on either.
I picked 'Cake or Pie.'
Trust me, my short story was funny.
At least I think it was (Y).


The '(Y)' is an influence from The One Who Leaves Me Breathless. :D


And here's what I wrote:


"Hey, you there!"

"Tum, haan, tum!" (You, yes you!)

My friends and I stopped walking and turned around to see who was yelling at us. I was the Head Boy and Student Council President at my school, so it was rare for someone to scream 'you' instead of my name. My friends were Prefects-students who are elected to enforce the rules and get a few perks in exchange for doing duty during recess. The Head Boy is the student who watches over the Prefects, so you get the idea of how and why almost everyone in my high school knew me.

It was one of the new students in school. He had seemed like a polite and shy student initially, but he quickly fell in with the daredevils of the school. And since he was new, I hadn't had time to add his name to my extensive list of names.

I didn't merit his yell with a yell on my own. Instead, I raised one eyebrow.. like my school's principal does.

Now it takes a lot to surprise me. I live in a country which is at war with terrorists. My city has more gang violence and mugging than New York and Shanghai combined. So I usually know what to do when someone gets hurt badly, when there's an accident, when a friend's car is stopped by the side of a road and he's standing next to it, or when something happens.

I wasn't prepared for this, though.

"Pick! Cake or Pie?"

He was holding a vanilla cake in one hand. A small one. And there was an.. apple pie in the other hand.

Now why someone would offer me cake or pie without having laced it with poison is beyond me.

"Cake."

I wanted to see how much he would ask me to pay for it.

He walked over-until he was a pace away-and asked me to repeat it, he couldn't hear me.

"Cake.."

I was in for yet another shock.

"SPLAT!!!!"

Yes, it was thrown at my face.

Right. On. My. Face.

Well, it tasted good.

Staring out into the sounds
Maybe it was all true
Maybe it was from the start
The story of a broken heart
Stand up and I'll tell you
Now everything was torn apart


Have an amazing weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Positive Energy in a migraine (Y) (Y)

Come back, come back, come back to me

11:11 11.11.11

You call these life updates, don't you?

Yes, I deleted my blog.

I'm not going to elaborate on what happened.

I was just really depressed and I ended up deleting my blog.
I still don't feel like eating, feel like puking instead.

Forgive me, please. I really am sorry.

If I stumble,

If I fall,

Forgive me,

I'm learning as I go along.

I know you all probably want to know exactly what happened. But it's the past. And I'm working on letting go of everything. And going with the flow. And being positive.

People say life is filled with ups and downs,
But where does the line start from?
People say life is unfair,
But who decides what fair is?


I love one person,
And give her all of me,
I give her every bit,
I hold nothing back.


I try to expect nothing in return,
So that when something negative happens, I can take it,
And when the amazing happens, then that is the best feeling,
But life doesn't work that way, even though I try.

But since humans are curious people, here's what happened:

Show encrypted text

Read at your own risk. The password is 'relax'

Apart from that, I had an interesting Eid. I didn't do much, but I got my life back on track, sort of.
I'm trusting in God much more now-after all, He is the One who helps, right?


And then I went back to school. And yesterday was just one..I don't know what to call it.
Twelve teachers were absent. A substitute teacher's nightmare. So since Superman can't divide into twelve, my supervisor gave classes to other teachers. Thank God. Else I would have been depressed and dead.


Apart from all that, I made this for my mom. She teaches Grade Three. And they're doing China. So since I love Origami, I used Kirigami to make this. With my own design. Kirigami, by the way, is the version of Origami where you get to cut the paper.

Words hurt more than sticks and stones.

The shadows lengthen as the sun falls,
The sky darkens as your thoughts cloud.


Look you, as you try to rebuild your life,
Focus on what you had, and you shall live in what was.
Focus on what you could have now, and you shall live in gloom.
Focus on what could be, and you shall live and not live.


Look deep within yourself,
What would they have wanted?
What would they have wanted, you, to do?
What would they have wanted, you, to focus on?


Forget them not, they were the best.
Forget them not, they lived as well as the could.
Forget them not, or you do the world a disfavor.
Forget them not, or you do unto them an insult.


Remember, but use that memory to help you.
Remember, but use what you know to guide you.
Remember, but use everything to improve and work harder.
Remember, but do not stop to day dream.


I went to see Karachi-A Musical. Amazing, I tell you!

I can finally, finally shift gears like it's Need For Speed. Now I can finally beat automatic cars when they honk behind me and annoy me. So yay :D

 This is what my Eid was like:

You guys remember Aral, right? My Aral's namesake?
If not, read the post before this one.
This is his work. :D

So yes. I lost track of what I was thinking and wanted to say when The One Who Leaves Me Breathless was in front of me. I was just totally speechless.

Thank you to Furree, Areesha, and Hadia for being there for me when I needed someone to be there for me..Even though I'm not taking any of their advice. :P


The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, I love you. So much. So, so, so much.


I'll be here, by your side
No more fears, no more crying
But if you walk away
I know I'll fade
Cause there is nobody else.

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile

Yes, the title is from Rascal Flatts' 'My wish.'

The One Who Leaves Me Breathless told me that I need to be more positive.
+ve energy.
So I've really been trying to be positive. All because she said I should. She was right, I have been getting really depressed and upset over the smallest things. So I've really, really, really been trying hard. Even though I was worried and upset and sad, I still fought it.. because you said I should. So I hope it makes you happy. And The Script's sad music is so addictive, but sigh. Okay.


I'm like this now: At least, I try to be.

108 posts, and 108 followers. I finally caught up!
On the other hand, I lost a follower. Well, whoever it is, I hope you have a nice time anyway.

When darkness is upon your door
And you feel that you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall.

So this was a really busy week. Like, really busy.

I learnt that I can't outrace an automatic Honda Accord with my shift stick Suzuki Mehran, no matter how fast I change gears and drive.

I learnt that I have to be much more careful with everything I do.

I almost fainted the other day. That has never, ever happened. I had a migraine and I was just exhausted. And I got up and I almost fell and everything was just so.. dizzy. And I went like what the fudge.

And everyone wanted to read my encrypted text, but some things and between The One Who Leaves Me Breathless and me.

But here's an encrypted text to make up for that. :)

Show encrypted text

You'll find the password at the end of the post. :)

Enjoyyyy.

The password is.. the one who leaves me breathless