Alhamdullilah!

*this is a happy post, scout's honor*

So I woke up yesterday and today with a migraine.

And I was just like.. no.
I had a presentation yesterday morning-a really important one, because I was presenting my proposal for my team's topic for our research project.
Oh, and I was presenting to my engineering class.

Which is kind of intimidating since everyone in that class is older than me and everyone probably knows a lot more technical stuff that I do.

I was the first to be presenting, too. Kind of a funny story how I got to present first. My teacher asked us how we wanted to present, and I raised my hand and volunteered-which shocked everyone, because engineers aren't usually very social and comfortable with presenting-and my professor said okay, but asked how we still wanted to do it.
And I couldn't resist; I raised my hand again and asked if this was the point where we all wrote down our names and she picked them one by one just like in the hunger games and I volunteered. Which made everyone laugh, but that's what we ended up doing.

So I had breakfast & medicine and got there on time and everything.
My proposal was how and why internet slows down when there are lots of people connected to the Wi-Fi.
And while presenting-something that I always do, even though it's considered playing with fire-I made a joke to get everyone's attention, make it memorable, and my jokes are almost always stuff that actually happened. And the joke was.. My choosing the topic came about while I was sitting at the UTD library and researching quantum computers, and this individual-professional language, right?-sat near me and started playing Call of Duty online on his laptop, and I could hear the sounds through his speakers & knew what was going on. My internet slowed down because he was taking up so much of it, so I started downloading a movie so his internet would slow down too. (Oh, and this actually happened. I may be super nice, but never mess with me. Find somewhere else to play Call of Duty online.)

Everyone loved my presentation, and that's how the awesomeness started. *wide smile*

I've been doing nothing but studying and working till my test today-and my test went great, Alhamdullilah, I understood almost everything since I studied with some new friends I've been making these two weeks.

Oh, and when I came out of my test auditorium at 8:30, I had three missed calls from my mom, a bunch of texts, and a voice mail, asking where I was, if I was okay, and to call her as soon as I got her voice mail. Turns out, she had thought my test ended at 7 instead of 8:30. Parents are awesome-not making fun of anyone, they really are awesome, I know lots of parents who don't care about their kids. So I am really blessed, Alhamdullilah.

I've been praying ten times as much as I used to-while I'm walking around, while driving-and the feeling of.. joy.. that I already have? It's like you work harder than you used to and you see the results much faster.
So, Alhamdullilah.

By the wayy. You know how guys love their cars? I'm thinking of buying new rims for mine-yes, it's a Honda Civic 2001, not a sports car-but I love my car; I'd rather have the car I drive now than a Camaro or a Mercedes, Audi, or even a Lamborghini Gallardo-which are some of my favorite cars in the world.

Cause if you let me, here's what I'll do
I'll take care of you

I-We can do this.

I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.

Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.

It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.

My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.

I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.

And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.

I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.

I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.

Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?

Her.

So I was totally tired with a migraine and thinking about how everyone usually has someone in their life whom they trust with everything and anything and have someone they can always rely on.

Of course, Allah is always here to listen to us.

And then I listening to Savage Garden's I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You, and I was thinking of Aral and Ayza.

Before I meet them, there's a girl somewhere on this planet that I'm going to marry, InshaAllah.

I don't know her name, and I don't know if I've even met her yet.

But, I ask Allah to make sure she has an awesome Eid.
And to always bless her and do whatever is best for her.
And, of course, to always keep her happy and smiling.