Now, my soul sings

"The sign has been given," said Aragon, "and the day is not far off."

July 20th, 2016.

This gives me something to look forward to.

I plan to have had graduated and become a citizen before that date, so I can fly back home.
I miss home-I've never been away for this long-but then, life presents its challenges and we all meet them.

I lift my eyes to see Your face

I know my help is in Your Name

In everything

Held by hands

Of mercy

I'm taking 15 credit hours of summer classes-which is full time in a normal six-month semester and twice the full time coursework for summer-and working too, which is why I haven't had any time to blog or do anything much.

And I will run, and not grow weary

I will rise, in God my strength

My heart will trust

I asked a customer at work the other day if anyone was helping him.
He said he was being helped-by his wife-to go insane.

And yes, that was a joke-except that he actually did say that.

Now my soul sings

Your love, it knows no end

I'll post again when I can.

The song, by the way, is Love knows no end by Hillsong.

I-We can do this.

I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.

Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.

It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.

My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.

I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.

And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.

I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.

I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.

Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?

Hold on, we're going home

Oh, my my how beautiful, oh my beautiful mother. She told me, "Son in life you're gonna go far, and if you do it right you'll love where you are."
-Jason Mraz; '93 million miles'

Last Friday, for the first time ever, I actually felt like I was in a city where I would be happy. It wasn't raining; it was one of the first chilly days of Fall, and I was sitting outside and studying.

The breeze that blew through felt just like the breeze in Karachi. Exact same feeling. Exact same sensation.

It's the first time that I've accepted that Dallas can be my home. I always used to say that Karachi was and will always be home-it still is-but until I go back, this is finally a place where I can be.. happy. Where I can be me.

I'm not going to change who I am. I'm going to love where I am. There's a feeling of peace that takes over.

Alhamdullilah :)

Oh, and Eid Mubarak!

365 Day Project, Day 172

A day with the family.

365 Day Project, Day 171

Waiting for it to rain. Rain was one of the best things about New Jersey.

365 Day Project, Day 170

One of my favorite places.

365 Day Project, Day 168

Exactly the way I last saw it.

365 Day Project, Day 166

Oldest great-grandchild meets youngest great-grandchild.

365 Day Project, Day 163

365 Day Project, Day 161

365 Day Project, Day 160

Lone Star State.

365 Day Project, Day 158

The only team I've been supporting for over ten years.

365 Day Project, Day 156

I'm a rambling man
I ain't ever gonna change
I've got a gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leavin'.
Colder Weather-Zac Brown Band.
Fourth time moving in four years. Hopefully the last time I'm moving for a few years now.