I was feeling sad. Again.
Not really surprising, if you go through my blog.
I feel sad every now and then.
Before graduating from Bay View.
After the summer, right before moving to a new school.
In December of 2009, feeling depressed again, in the cold winter and standing with a crowd of my friends, all of them talking and laughing, and wondering why it felt so quiet.
And one of my friends telling me to go see the school psychologist.
Which I did, and it still didn't help as much as I had thought it would.
Moving to Dallas, a new school, and feeling.. different. Busy. But still sad.
December of 2010, and feeling the cold, and for once, smiling through the sadness.
Moving back to Karachi, and feeling elated.. happy.
December of 2011, right before my birthday, and feeling sad yet again. Standing in the quiet street in daylight and feeling as if it was so dark.
Moving again, to New Jersey, and being busy, studying all the time, going to the second concert I've ever been to.
December of 2012, and feeling sad again. Being away from everyone, standing in the snow outside, and feeling the darkness through the sunlight.
Moving back to Dallas, and feeling excited.. being just as busy as I was in New Jersey.
And now, Fall of 2013, and I'm already feeling sad.
It was really cold today. Like a normal day in New Jersey was. I love this cold weather. I love the fresh air, finally accepting this city as home.
I was driving my car, and it felt so.. dark. The sun was shining in my face and I had the visor down halfway, but even then, it felt like it was so dark. So quiet.
My friends have told me before that I'm depressed.
"Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods."-National Library of Medicine.
Okay. Maybe I am.. depressed. I don't know why. The last time I spoke to my doctor, she told me it was a side effect of my medicines. I hate my medicines. I want to be that happy, laughing all the time person again. Oh, I laugh. I make jokes all the time. But I don't feel.. happy. I don't feel.. good.
I'll admit to something that no one usually admits to. And if you want to judge me and think worse of me for it, that's fine. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.), (Peace Be Upon Him) cried when he prayed, all the time. It's not something that makes you weak or any less of a person than you are. And, Allah will keep me surrounded with people who want me to be happy, who want me to be the me who loves helping other people and making them feel happy. Because if you think I'm a loser & weird & an immature person, that's fine. Allah knows me better than anyone in the world, and I don't need anyone except Him.
And, well, at this point, her. Whoever she is, wherever she is, whatever her name is. I need you.
I'll admit.. to crying. For a full five minutes while driving and reciting the Ayal-ul-kursi. Because I can't help feeling sad, because I can't take all these thoughts and doubts and worries and stress. Because, at times, I give up, raise my hands to Allah, and ask Him, that I can't handle all this, and He is the only One who can help me.
I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to go back to being the old me. The happy me.
And Allah help me, I will.
Today, you were, far away.
And I, didn't ask you, why.
What, could I say?
I was, far away.
You just, walked away.
And I, just watched you.
What, could I say?
How close, am I, to losing you?
Showing posts with label new jersey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new jersey. Show all posts
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
365 Day Project, Day 154
The very first and the very last building that I went to at Rutgers-the PAL building.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
365 Day Project, Day 97
How I look 7 months after coming to New Jersey (left) & how I looked when I came to New Jersey (right).
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Being thankful
Heyheyhey.
It's been over a month since I've written a blog post, so taking time out of studying was essential.
I've had a really interesting week.
By interesting, I mean the Chinese form of interesting.
There's a Chinese curse, 'may you have an interesting day'
When someone says it, it's not like they're actually saying, 'oh hey, I hope you have a horrible day', but instead, it's more of a good or bad type of thing.
There's a Chinese curse, 'may you have an interesting day'
When someone says it, it's not like they're actually saying, 'oh hey, I hope you have a horrible day', but instead, it's more of a good or bad type of thing.
Anyway. Getting back to the point. If you've been watching the news, you've probably heard about Hurricane Sandy.
And I had a really interesting time with it.
I came back from my uncle's house last Saturday, since I was at his place for Eid.
I stocked up on water and canned food and all that stuff, even had some food in the fridge that I could heat up and have as a hot meal.
And I had a really interesting time with it.
I came back from my uncle's house last Saturday, since I was at his place for Eid.
I stocked up on water and canned food and all that stuff, even had some food in the fridge that I could heat up and have as a hot meal.
And then, on Monday, the electricity went at 7pm.
I kept hoping that it would come back, but our RA-resident assistant-told us to pack for a night in case we were evacuated. So I packed my laptop and some clothes, and went to sleep at 12ish.
Only to be woken up at 2:30am and told to go downstairs since we were being evacuated.
Then we were moved to the recreation center, which-surprise, surprise-was running on backup generators, which only provided a little bit of light, no heat, and no internet.
And it was really cold-it's November, and that's when the cold weather starts coming in-oh, and by starts, I mean that it goes down to -1 degrees Celsius-so yeah.
And we stayed up till 4am, when some of us were given army cots-the lucky ones, that is, since we got to the line early-and the rest pretty much slept on the cold floor.
At around 8am, my roommate woke me up and told me that we could all go back to our apartments. There were a bunch of people leaving through the emergency exit doors, so I decided to go check with my resident assistant first, just to confirm. And it turned out that all those people who were going back would be unable to get into their apartments since all the entry doors to the halls are electronic and wouldn't let anyone in.
So I went back to sleep.. till around 2pm, when we were evacuated for a second time, to the Student Center at the campus across the river. (My university has seven campuses, five in my city, and two in two other cities.)
And they had electricity.. and internet.. and army cots. And the dining hall was a minute away from our room, so it was awesome, and I am so, so, so thankful for that.
Our classes were cancelled for the rest of the week, but I was getting migraines, so it was sort of fun with friends that I had't had much of a chance to spend time with, but overall, it was okay, I guess.
I emailed my Matlab professor, since we had a mid-term the next week.
He still hasn't replied to my email, but he sent out an email to the entire class that the mid-term was postponed by a week. :P
Apart from all that, I'm just totally busy, tired, and sleepy. I've just been studying, studying, and studying.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow, so I'm not taking my bike out, even though I hate walking.
Oh well.
I have no idea when I'll get time to post again, so I hope everyone has an awesome time!
Oh, and before I forget. Justin Bieber's 'One Love' is my favorite song of the week.
I kept hoping that it would come back, but our RA-resident assistant-told us to pack for a night in case we were evacuated. So I packed my laptop and some clothes, and went to sleep at 12ish.
Only to be woken up at 2:30am and told to go downstairs since we were being evacuated.
Then we were moved to the recreation center, which-surprise, surprise-was running on backup generators, which only provided a little bit of light, no heat, and no internet.
And it was really cold-it's November, and that's when the cold weather starts coming in-oh, and by starts, I mean that it goes down to -1 degrees Celsius-so yeah.
And we stayed up till 4am, when some of us were given army cots-the lucky ones, that is, since we got to the line early-and the rest pretty much slept on the cold floor.
At around 8am, my roommate woke me up and told me that we could all go back to our apartments. There were a bunch of people leaving through the emergency exit doors, so I decided to go check with my resident assistant first, just to confirm. And it turned out that all those people who were going back would be unable to get into their apartments since all the entry doors to the halls are electronic and wouldn't let anyone in.
So I went back to sleep.. till around 2pm, when we were evacuated for a second time, to the Student Center at the campus across the river. (My university has seven campuses, five in my city, and two in two other cities.)
And they had electricity.. and internet.. and army cots. And the dining hall was a minute away from our room, so it was awesome, and I am so, so, so thankful for that.
Our classes were cancelled for the rest of the week, but I was getting migraines, so it was sort of fun with friends that I had't had much of a chance to spend time with, but overall, it was okay, I guess.
I emailed my Matlab professor, since we had a mid-term the next week.
He still hasn't replied to my email, but he sent out an email to the entire class that the mid-term was postponed by a week. :P
Apart from all that, I'm just totally busy, tired, and sleepy. I've just been studying, studying, and studying.
It's supposed to snow tomorrow, so I'm not taking my bike out, even though I hate walking.
Oh well.
I have no idea when I'll get time to post again, so I hope everyone has an awesome time!
Oh, and before I forget. Justin Bieber's 'One Love' is my favorite song of the week.
Monday, February 20, 2012
In a world of so many, you're the one
Where you been? Where you been all my life?
Girl you glistening, the way you look in the light
It’s obvious that I want something from you
I wrote this poem a year ago as my second post on this blog. Time to re-post it, as it still applies.
One million swords,
One direction,
All unsheathed, pointing, directing,
One object, in the center.
Time ceases to exist,
A million shards,
Spread out and still beating together,
Unable to be glued together again.
Listening to the music,
Watching the disco lights rotate and change,
Smelling the fresh food in your plate,
You're outside the party hall, watching your friends have fun through the window.
The breeze in your face,
The stars shining from above,
The city lights spread out before you,
You're watching the peaceful view all alone.
The earth's gravity pulling you,
As you fall toward the bright lights,
No cushion to save you,
And then you realize-it's not a dream.
The screams of surprise, shock, and horror,
The red-and-blue lights flashing,
The white cloth,
Your vision blurs.
The end.
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
Girl you glistening, the way you look in the light
It’s obvious that I want something from you
When life knocks you down on your knees, remember you're in the perfect position to pray.
This is another one of my six a.m. posts. I woke up early and had free time, so decided to post.
My life is really hectic these days, between school & homework. Yet I push it all away and go to sleep when I'm sick of it all.
I wrote this poem a year ago as my second post on this blog. Time to re-post it, as it still applies.
One million swords,
One direction,
All unsheathed, pointing, directing,
One object, in the center.
Time ceases to exist,
A million shards,
Spread out and still beating together,
Unable to be glued together again.
Listening to the music,
Watching the disco lights rotate and change,
Smelling the fresh food in your plate,
You're outside the party hall, watching your friends have fun through the window.
The breeze in your face,
The stars shining from above,
The city lights spread out before you,
You're watching the peaceful view all alone.
The earth's gravity pulling you,
As you fall toward the bright lights,
No cushion to save you,
And then you realize-it's not a dream.
The screams of surprise, shock, and horror,
The red-and-blue lights flashing,
The white cloth,
Your vision blurs.
The end.
The One Who Leaves Me Breathless, I miss how things used to be. I miss being told that I was loved, that someone cared. That someone would be there for me when I had a migraine & would make it go away. I miss that feeling. It's been a hundred and seven days since things changed totally.
I love change at times and I hate it at other times. It's just sad, that stuff had to change and I still have no idea how they did. It's just sad, that there's just a month or two left when I can be with you and yet it's like you don't want to be around me. I was warned that things might change. But it was meant to be this way.
I love change at times and I hate it at other times. It's just sad, that stuff had to change and I still have no idea how they did. It's just sad, that there's just a month or two left when I can be with you and yet it's like you don't want to be around me. I was warned that things might change. But it was meant to be this way.
There's times when I'm actually looking forward to going back to America. For one thing, I'll be on my own. And it rains a lot more in New Jersey than it does here, and I love the rain. It'll be fun sitting in the rain again. And I'll be able to stop thinking about her all the time. There's very few people who'll actually miss me here, but they can live without me. They lived their lives without me before I met them, so they can still continue.
Yes, I have to wait, but waiting means that I don't know how things will turn out. I'm simply hoping for the best & going along with the flow.
I try so hard
It doesn't make a difference to you
I make a mistake,
Laugh at me,
Don't realize you hurt me,
I'm not feeling well,
Blame me for something I do,
You're being unfair to me,
But you don't see,
Don't realize you hurt me.
There's more to this, but it's even sadder, so it's encrypted. If you want the code, let me know by commenting.
There's more to this, but it's even sadder, so it's encrypted. If you want the code, let me know by commenting.
I have to go force myself to have breakfast now.
Disappointments are just God's way of saying "I've got something better". Be patient, live life, have faith.
Hope everyone has a great week!
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
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