Change

Coming back here is like walking around an old house that you grew up in. You can look around and see what you did when you were younger and what life was like back then. It's a reflection on how things are so different now.

I'm feeling homesick. I don't normally have time to think about life, or reflect on the past-I changed my life to being much more busy so there would never be a chance for me to just think or become depressed. I'm taking my first vacation in about three years, so I actually have the time for once.

I was reading an article about Karachi & the situation there & politics, and the memories that stand out the most for me are ones I can almost feel.
I can feel myself sitting on the prayer mat, at around midnight, the day before my mid-term exams, all those years ago, texting, feeling like the world was collapsing around me.
I can feel myself looking out over the city, and it's night again, seeing the lights, and feeling the cold breeze.
I can feel myself sitting in the balcony, without electricity, letting the breeze help against the heat of the day.
I remember waking up early in the morning and sitting outside to read, the most relaxing feeling in the world.

It's always been my city, the one place I've loved and always intended on going back to. I always told myself that I would graduate and move back there. Instead, I can't stand the thought of walking around there. I've had OCD for the last two years, and the thought of walking around where the streets aren't as clean as they are here is hard to comprehend. I know I'd go crazy, and it's hard to even think about it for more than a few seconds.

I've changed so much. I used to be so much nicer. I used to actually go out of my way to help others. I still do, but on a much lower scale-it isn't as high of a priority as it used to be. I used to love volunteering, meeting people, making friends, talking to people, seeing the smiles on their faces. Instead, I'm avoiding people. I get tired of dealing with crazy people at work-I work in retail-and it's just exhausting. I prefer not to socialize now-and I was the one who always talked to more people in a day than anyone else I know!
I've become someone I never thought I'd be. And even though I try my best to stay true to me, I don't know if I'm happy with who I am now. Probably not, to be honest.