Black holes swallow everything..

Black holes swallow everything.

And I am an idiot.

She still leaves me breathless.

And I still love her.

She said.. no.

This afternoon and yesterday, when she said that she loved me.. and now she told me that she cares about me and that I mean a lot to her, how do I know that she really does?

I'm just thankful that it ended before it began.

At least this way, I can accept it better.

I don't know how I can take it, see her texts, remember what she said earlier, and still smile when my mom asks me something.

Maybe it's the fact that so many friends have left me and so many people said no to me-not just girls, but friends whom I asked for help or wanted to meet-that I've become immune to it.

I really have no idea how I can stand when all my pillars of strength have fallen.

But this makes me free.. to live life in the usual I-don't-care-about-much-way..

God knows how I can take it right now.

But He decreed that all this would happen.

He knows how my migraines are killing me slowly.

He knows how I have only four people-my mom, my dad, and my two brothers-who I trust with everything and depend on.

He knows how so many people lied to me and how much it hurts me.

He knows how hard I try to be better every single day.

He knows how all I want is someone who loves me back.

He knows how badly I've been wanting to leave this life and just.. let go.

He alone knows why I haven't killed myself yet. Even I have no idea why.

I know that people will tell me to leave her.. and ignore her.. and not talk to her.

I know that people will say that I'm too young to know what love is.

I know that people will say that I have my entire life ahead of me.

But see, people leave me. I don't leave them. I don't.. stop praying for them.

I'm not going to leave her unless she wants me to go away. I'm not going to stop talking to her because I feel horrible and empty inside.

I know what love is. Isn't love wanting her to be happy, even if I'm not? Isn't love praying for her and making sure that everything is okay, even if she doesn't know how hard I try to make things right? Isn't love wishing that he-the one who she liked and still does-loved her somehow and made her happy? Isn't love wishing that she will still be happy without me?

I don't know what's going to happen in my life.
These last three years? I feel like I've lived for three centuries instead of three years.

I lost all my friends. I'm not going to try making new ones.

I don't call her a friend because she's more than that. She's.. family.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I deserve all this, probably.

But all I need, all I want, is someone to love me back.

Is that so hard to get? I know that God loves me.. and my family does.

But a person can't live their entire lives depending on four people's love.

I can't, at least.

I still love her. I just want her to be happy. I know that she might read this.
If you do read this..

Then thank you. You were honest with me when I asked you.
I really, really, really, hope he comes back or you find someone who loves you and you love him too.
I really have no idea what else to say to you. I've said everything else..

You guys-the bloggers-who actually read my blog-I have no idea why you read it, or what makes you read my posts.

I know it's just the depression speaking, but I need to let it all out right now so I can smile in a minute and read out a joke to my mom so she knows that I'm okay, even if I'll be really quiet for a long time now.

I don't get why you all think I'm awesome enough to actually read my posts. When over a thousand people-friends and family-left me and don't love me, what makes you read this?

Nearly everyone is the same. You help them, then they stab you in the back, lie to you & leave you to rot-Cheeku

I said this when my closest friends changed and left three years ago. It's the truest thing that I've ever said. I put 'Cheeku' there because that's what I've started calling the part of me which forgives everyone and loves them even after they lie to me, leave me, backbite about me, and break me.

I know I usually end with a few funny pictures. But right now, I really can't.

The iftar party was today.. and well, it was most probably the last one that I'll have attended. And just as.. memorable.. as the previous ones.

There was one thing that went right, though. The Prefects did everything right. And no incidents happened. Since the other Prefect Co-ordinator left early, and I organized their work, I get some credit, which is the only positive thing I can find out of today. Oh, and my migraine is gone.. for now.

I learnt something today. I think that it's time for me to withdraw from loving people. In the end, I get hurt.. and even though I can put on a calm face, I'm totally destroyed inside.

P.S. After the iftar, we have a cricket match. This time, it was between the houses-My Purple, and hers too, Orange, and Green. Purple lost. By seven runs.
It almost kills me to say this, but Orange deserved to win. They earned it.

The Script-I'm Yours

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went weak and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

The Script-I'm Yours