Talking to himself

February 4th...
I don't trust myself anymore. Every other day, I get depressed and upset. I don't care about anything. I need to study for my exams, but I keep getting distracted. I don't deserve to be here. If I don't study and get my scolarship, I have to go back three years in education. I can't argue with my parents-I've done enough argueing already, and they really deserve better.

I am SUCH a horrible person. Bad to my parents and brothers, bad to my friends...

It's not like I don't understand or that I can't do it; I just keep getting depressed. I hate the feeling-I do not want to kill myself. But it makes me wonder, sometimes, if there is even one thing left to live for...

God is testing me. Pray and study. I'll get my scolarships eventually. Don't give up.

Just study all day. I've done it before, when I studied for the O'levels and my school stuff.

Yeah, but now there's more chores, there's no one who actually listens or does them for me until my exams end. Even doing the chores in my breaks doesn't fit it...

Relax. Is it really that bad to go back three years? At least I won't be so stressed out, and I'll be far away from everything that distracts me.

I don't want to be away. It gets worse everyday. It's not something that just goes away...

February 12th...
It feels so nice to be outside in the wind, with the fresh air and wonderful smell. And my room is the total opposite...closed in...

I hate closed spaces. No wonder I can't stand elevators.

Just feel so...tired. So much going on, even though it's spring break.

What's the worst that can happen? I'll die, right? Pff. Not a problem. Or facing life without my parents right now, now that's horrible. How wrong to not have death as the worst possible thing that can happen to you. Or how wonderful. Ugh, enough of this, I'm going to go sleep.

February 17th...
Can't wait for June. It's going to be nice being without too many worries & stresses.

March 25th...
Wow, been busy. Packing and homework...Wow. Been SO long since I wrote anything. Dead tired...Can't wait to go to Karachi. Fewer worries, more stuff that I can do instead of worrying about so many people and speculating and waiting...this is why i should resume not asking people what issues they're facing, cuz if it's an awesome friend who's having a problem, then it's my head which goes overboard trying to find a solution or wishing i could do something...even though praying is doing something. like the friend in hospital. or the one who's worrying about getting into a decent university. or my students-I had no choice but to let another teacher take over my class...since I won't have a car at that time and have to take care of my family. or the one who's facing so much and gets bugged by me regularly...i am SO bad to them. =(

I need new music. UPBEAT music. not that usual Blue October/Rascal Flatts/Lifehouse stuff I listen to. =/

This is why i get migraines. think too much. though this is like, my way of letting it out these days. sigh. wonder why i prefer the quiet...

I want to go to Japan. Help the relief efforts. Only thing is, who's going to pay for it?

I want to do so much...trying to be nicer to everyone in my family, friends-though I still try to be annoying, they won't miss me much then ( Click this to read why I'm annoying to everyone ), trying to lose weight-it's actually working, and trying to pray properly too...

And I'll do the CSS (something special services) in Pakistan-the federal government & diplomatic service exam and go to NUST if I don't get into my favorite university. I get to do change Pakistan that way... "Hum Dunya Badlien Ge" =)