This is what happens when I have a migraine and depression suddenly hits..
My phone lies on my lap,
I stare at it,
Wanting it to light up,
But it stays dark.
I pick it up,
Check my messages,
But they're empty,
I can't conjure texts from another person.
My head hurts,
I try to not think of anything,
I try to close my eyes and sleep,
And suddenly, the pain hits me.
It's like I'm an empty shell,
No happiness, no feelings,
Just an endless grief,
Just an overwhelming sadness.
The usual voices in my head are quiet,
Just when I need them to cheer me up,
And instead, the sadder ones speak up,
They mess around with my heart.
My brothers come in,
All they see is my sudden smile,
All they see is the mask I put on,
They don't know that I feel like..dying.
They ask me for help,
They're doing homework,
I give it to them,
Ignoring the pain in my head and my heart.
My mom walks in-she has a migraine too,
She needs rest and a long sleep,
She needs me to cook right now,
She doesn't see the emptiness in me either.
Some of the voices in my head wake up,
They remind me that she's asleep,
She's exhausted,
She'll make me smile when she wakes up.
Other voices respond,
They say that she doesn't care,
They say that she never did,
They say that she doesn't understand.
The first ones reply,
She needs someone like you did,
She's not going to be able to understand you yet,
She cares more than she lets show.
The second ones blaze away,
She focuses on her life alone,
She uses you to help her,
She treats you like you're worthless.
And that's when I realize,
Everything revolves around her now,
Everything she does affects me,
She is everything for me now.
Without her, I have no plans for the future,
Without her, I have no support to help me through,
Without her, I have no one to share anything with,
Without her, I have no reason to live anymore.
Depression really does suck. Especially when it hits at the worst moments possible.
I know it's scary to be dependent on one person so much, but what do I do?
And I haven't had two posts in one day for a while-scroll down and read the one before this one, it's funny.. Or at least, I tried to be funny.
sooo good! :)
ReplyDeleteJuliet
awf you're really good at this. And yeah its so scary being dependant on a person escpecially when your happiness is kinda tied in with their happiness. scary stuff man!
ReplyDeletehmmm this was straight from your heart na? loved it..some of the lines touched my heart...may be that is because at some point we all feel the same way..the sound of emptiness is very femelier here..dont mind my spellings ..my keyboard sucks///...grrr.anyways dont worry we are only humans and its ok for us to feel this way...its not called being dependent on some one..its simply being human! and dont say you dont have many friends..you have us na..your blog friends...wasay tou you should have real life friends too..but its ok if you have a lot of people around you in some other capacity:-) cheer up and read your previous post again..it will make you smile..atleast it will try to make you smile..hahaha..tc Bless you:-)
ReplyDeleteAmazing <3
ReplyDeletei had been here!
ReplyDeletei remember there was a time when i was a little above 16... that cuz of this guy i didnt sleep for ten night straight... so in the morning i was like u can know how and my mom used to ask me to help around and all i wnated was to cry...i didnt do it right... so she wud scold me sometimes...not knowing something is bothering me so much that i havent been able to sleep a wink... it was hell peiod for me... but i survived thank god there was one friend who i finally confided and things i slept that night...
:D i thot this was only on the plate of us emotional fools girls...:D now i am glad there are boys too...:)and we are not fools, we are in love!:) its cool
wasnt this supposed to be a funny post with lots of pictures?
ReplyDeleteIt's really not good to depend on a single person, Ovais. I know exactly what you were going through but I don't go through it anymore because with time, I learnt that I was no different from anybody else; I was no less awesome than the next person. In fact, I am the only person in the world who can make me happy.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to have people around but don't get too attached to them unless you are absolutely sure they won't leave you -- and family is the best example.
Depression sucks monkey balls!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're okay *hugs*
Depression sucks.
ReplyDeleteThink of happy things.
Haye Allah.
ReplyDeleteNow who's depressed? =P
ReplyDeleteJk, I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel the same way about my friends. Cheer up! We're all here for you =)
I am lil confused as to what to say. The feeling, well hard to confine in words, as Mishi says, we all through at some point of time. Perhaps there is no way to get out of that, unless time pushes it away.
ReplyDeleteComing to dependancy, well, children (read boys) are usually very close, dependent on their mother, for eevry lil thing.The good part of all this is, you penned it randomly. Heart felt words flowed so beautifully in its simplistic way. :) I am presuming, that the comments, would have, even lil, curved your lips.. There lies the hope, beauty and magic of words:) You might not have many friends, just handful of them, but even those are gem of a person :) That's why, they stumbled upon another gem, you :)
shitt i know how you feeel, sucks.
ReplyDeletedepending too much on one person sucks too. everyone's expecting and thinking i'm fine but they don't realize i've lost a huge part of me. oh well..
i hope things get better soon and she realizes how awesome you are! :)
depressions suckkkkssss. big time.
ReplyDeleteand ure so pure , shes so lucky =)
Awww.
ReplyDelete:')
*virtual hug*
Oh and P.S. I'm not awwing cus I didn't go through the whole post and I just wanted to leave a comment (I did and it was amazing <3 :D) but because that was my first reaction. :]
ugh yeah depression sucks!! :\
ReplyDeleteand ur post was amazing btw! <3
What happens when you reach a stage where you can't un-depend yourself? Scary thought. Love can be twisted.
ReplyDeleteHope everything's fine soon.
hmm....don't worry....its not your NEED...its your LOVE....
ReplyDeleteAnd Love never makes you weak....!
Depression sucks like hell.. =(
ReplyDeleteTake care bro <3
You guys are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to reply to everyone tomorrow, since I have to study now..
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ReplyDeletekid, its too late to do anything about it. its never us who decide how much to feel and for whom. i'm bad at sympathizing and i don't believe in it, at all. i just wish all your fears are well.. just fears.
ReplyDeleteand experience says they are probably true but i wish you're an exception, rather, i pray that:)
good luck kid. may Allah almighty be with you, now and always:)
Wow I can relate to almost everything you wrote.
ReplyDeletetotally relatable except the pain.
ReplyDelete