I know I'm waiting, waiting for something

It's time for guest posts!
This is the first of at least seven.


This is from The Butterfly Effect at The Butterfly Effect.


I'm honored to be writing a guest post on my favorite follower's blog. Thank you, ovais, for giving me the opportunity. :)

I'll start with telling you about myself, as much as i can in a paragraph or two. I'm a 21 year old girl who's married. Actually, I've been married for almost 3 years now-two if you count it from the day of my rukhsati. I've done my o'levels from St. Peter's high, a school in Lahore, Pakistan. My year was 2006.


Ever since I got out of school I've been trying to find friends and fun that I used to have. I used to be a happy girl, a care-free girl. I miss that part of me. I don't think I ever moved on from school life. I still miss it like crazy.

i started my CAT in 2006, from a very small institution in Lahore. that was the entry route i chose for ACCA. i have no freaking idea what i'm doing and why i started it in the first place. my passion is, and always have been, writing. i love it. it's something that defines me.

lately i've hated being a writer. because being able to write means i have the power of words. when people get to know me, they see me just like that, a master of playing with words. they look past what the words are supposed to mean. and so they look past what i want to say. and so when it comes to expressing something i feel, they tend not to trust me.

i've been seeking a way out. i dunno what to do or what to say. without words i'm nothing. i have no other talent. i mean, girls have so many hobbies and talents, mine was to write. somethings that i did, or somethings that just happened took that away from me. my words backfired.

let me tell you something. when i'm hurt, i tend to hurt the person who's hurt me to a degree far greater than they have hurt me. and i've succeeded to push away people. people that i loved. people that were important to me. i don't intend to. not really. it just.. i dunno. i do it. and they may forgive me for doing it, the harder part is the part where i am unable to forgive myself.

i went for pilgrimage a year ago. with my husband. and while i was in Arafat, i faced the ka'aba, standing in the heat all i could pray was for Allah to give me peace. i've been fighting and crying for it. and just when i think i have it, it slips away. that makes me think i'm a bad person. and that's probably true. 

3 years ago, i had it all figured out. my life. and then it all changed. trust me when i say you can't control what you feel, even when you decide to. ok this sentence doesn't make sense. let's skip this paragraph.

anyway, let's talk about how i look. i'm 5"6,i have light brown hair with a hint of ginger in them. my eyes are a shade of brown that's not too dark and they look awesome in the sun. my complexion used to be fair, but the weather of Karachi saw to that. i have small hands that are very round and people usually call them "double-roti hands" (bread hands). i'm not to slim and definitely not fat. and i wear a veil and an abaya when i go out, since that's what islam says. 

now lets talk about the people we love. all of us. and how quickly they can slip away. you mess up once and they're gone, forever, at least for you. i messed up with one particular person who meant... a lot to me. and in doing so i shattered them and killed my ownself. it's been a long time now. i've been trying to mend myself. but it doesn't work. the holes don't heal. the wounds always hurt. the guilt suffocates me. but since they were my mess, i am the one who has to live with them.

trust me when i tell you to take care of your words, to take care of your loved ones. because, you see, its a selfish world. you love someone because it makes  you happy. and when you hurt them, it makes you sad. and none of you would wanna live with that. because everyday would be a new start right from the bottom. forgiving another is hell easy, forgiving yourself is next to impossible. 

so this was a post not well composed. but its an insight to my life. a very little. maybe a little boring. ok. a lot boring. but i guess that's who i am.

ovais, kiddo, i'm sorry if its a bit too rant-sum.


And here's a part of what she wrote in one of her posts, titled 'My Epistle'
I loved it, since it described what it felt like to be in love. And The One Who Leaves Me Breathless was the person I was thinking of when I read it. Yeah, I can't go without mentioning her every post, can I?

this is how amazing you are. inside out. the smile on your face, the twinkle in your eyes intriguing me to the depths of my soul. this is how wonderful you are. that pure heart and innocent eyes. and this is how much you affect me. you make my heart skip a beat every time you enter the room. you make my stomach go all fluttery. you make me laugh. you make me the happiest person in the world.

and this is how much i love you. this is how much i need you. because I'm addicted baby; addicted to every inch of your being. with you in the room everything else fades way and nothing matters except you and me. you're charismatic. you're awesome. you are my personal sun.

love,

Elizabeth


Since the last bit was about love, I found these two Cyanide & Happiness that are really funny. At least, to me.
The Butterfly Effect, thank you soo much for writing this :)