Back to the life I'm used to.

I'm totally busy these days.
Working almost full-time, taking classes full-time, being the family chauffeur, and working out.

A year ago, it was almost the same thing.. except that I was working two jobs, over full-time.

The best part about being busy is that I rarely get time to think about you.
I love you.
I don't know if you do, but it feels like you don't.

So I'm trusting Allah & His plan.
I'm not worried.
I just need someone to make my migraines go away.
They beat the hell out of me & it's not like a fist fight where I can outsmart someone.
I need you.

Where are you?

Letter to you.

I started writing this on the 3rd of January.
It's.. about you. For you.

You are.. everything I wanted.
If I told you, you were right,
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why,
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride..

For me, loving you means smiling.
It means not worrying.
It means having the strength to look forward and fight through everything.
That strength doesn't come from you.
It doesn't come from knowing that someone will stand beside you no matter what or that you'll have someone to talk to.
It comes from loving you and knowing that I'll do anything for you.

Because that's what loving someone is really about.
It's about the other person.
It's not about you or what you can get from it.
"Love is putting someone else's needs before yours."

I read a quote right now that said, 'if you like her, go tell her, before someone else gets her.'
I don't agree with it.
Because if I tell you, I don't know if you're ready for it yet.
I know I'm not ready, not ready to tell you, and definitely not ready to jump into this.
Because for me, it's about you.
It's about what makes you happy.
There's always some point during a day when I'm listening to music where I'm going to wonder what you think about me.
I'm going to wonder how often-if ever-I cross your mind.
And I don't want those thoughts to make me lose faith in you.

Because if it's meant to be, it'll happen.
And I'm going to keep being patient.
I'm going to keep learning.
I'm going to keep improving, to be the best that I can be.
I'm going to keep loving you.

Because it's helping me.
It's motivating me faster.
I've told you how I don't live for myself.
How I don't.. want..
I don't want a big house, or to be famous, or to make money.. no.
I just want to do some good.
I want to make others happy.
So, I live for my parents and my two brothers.
Now, I live for you, too.

I realized all this while driving today.
Because I had all my windows and sun roof down with music turned up.
And it was the song that you had said you liked too.
And I didn't have to.. worry.
I didn't have to.. stress.

That's what I love about being in love with you.
It's the fact that I can smile all the time.
It's the fact that I don't rely on you or anyone else.
It's the fact that I know I'll be fine at the end of the day.
It's the fact that I'm not dependent on you or what you think.
Because while I value you and your opinions more than anything, if you don't love me the way I love you, I can still smile.
I can still keep working hard and studying a lot without me wanting to ever give up.

It's the 20th today.
I went through hell all day.
I woke up after an amazing dream. I was dealing with an emergency & trying to help people and everyone around me was moving away after their own needs were met. And then you came, and you had my back through it all.
And once it was over, I lay down on the grass and looked up at the sky.
And you came over and lay down next to me, and told me you were never leaving me, no matter what.

I need you to tell me that and actually stay with me.
I might not be the strongest guy at the gym or a super genius with a photographic memory, but if there's one thing that defines me, it's that I'll do anything for someone I care about.
I didn't kill myself years ago because I wasn't going to put my parents and brothers through hell. I got up and fought on, even with my migraines, even with how much I hate this dunya.

I'll do anything for you.
I won't ever give up on you. I won't ever intentionally hurt you.
I'll do my best to keep you happy. Because your happiness is all I care about, and I'll always put your happiness before mine.
I may not have the solutions to every single thing, but you're never going through anything alone.
I want to be the person who wakes you up for Fajr & waits for you to get home so we can pray Isha together.
Because my wish, my Dua, for you, is that Allah is happy with you. 

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

You're my Nemo. If you get lost, I'll come and find you, no matter what.
So, how about we flip a coin? Heads, you're mine. Tails, I'm yours. :p
And we can ride.. in this.

I'm your Prince Charming, when will you see that?
I can love you like that
I will make you my world
Move heaven and earth
If you were my girl
I would give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything
That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that.

Back to being.. me. The Original Me.

I was going to write a post, and then almost decided not to.

I'm smiling again. The only change I've made is to pray more. I'm more thankful and have more.. I guess you could call it faith.. in everything. More faith that whatever will happen will for the best. More faith that I will get through everything. More faith that I don't need anyone except Allah. More faith that I can do this.

I was at a point where I thought I needed more friends, more people around me to help me.
That's not how life works.
Most people will be with you until they don't need you anymore.
I said that so many years ago, and it's true.

In Chemistry, half the class-actually half the class-borrows my stapler when they're turning their assignments. One girl said, 'you're like everyone's favorite person.'
'Only when they need me.'

I say most because there's some people who will still stick with you, not give up on you, and always be there for you. That's your family, and a few-few-awesome friends.

Not needing people doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to them. I still want to hang out with friends and have fun and everything. But I'm not going to text anyone first anymore. I feel like I'm annoying them-it makes me feel awkward and unwanted. And that feeling is what has brought me down these last two years. I've had enough of it. I'm not going to text my crush, my three best friends, or anyone else first. If you want me in your life, if you really value me, if you want to talk to me, then text me or message me or something. I want to talk to you. I don't know if you want to talk to me.

It's what my dad told me all the way through high school-trust family and almost no one else. Well, I trusted family, and family doesn't always have your back. Your parents and your siblings, yes. The rest? Maybe. And at times, even your siblings won't back you up. It took me time to learn-to experience for myself-what my dad told me.

That's why they say that parents are always right. Which reminds me-go and give your parents a hug & tell them you love them. They might think you're crazy if you've never done it before-some of you probably think it's crazy, but you'll learn and see for yourself someday.

I just hope it won't take you time and this thing called work hardening-which is a term for how blacksmiths beat metals with alloys to make them stronger-won't happen to you like it does to most people, and like it has to me.

So, I don't need anyone else except Allah. I said some time ago that I needed whoever was supposed to make me a better person, whoever she is, whatever her name is. I've realized that I don't need to be in a relationship to feel happy, to get through everything. I got used to being in a relationship. I'm in no rush to get into another one. Whenever the time is right, Allah will make it happen. I trust Allah.

So, Alhamdullilah. All we need is Allah.

Alhamdullilah

December 24th, 2011-She said to smile till my cheeks hurt.

I manged to do that today. Took me long enough, but I didn't depend on anyone or anything to get here, except Allah.

So, yes, I'm smiling now. And yes, my cheeks do hurt. :)